Eyes On The Prizes

Because it’s the Cup… also breadsticks

by Dan MacRae

Aw NHL Naw

The Stanley Cup is kind of a big deal. Not just because the trophy served as Governor General of Canada from 1964-70 (look it up, bookworms!), but there are all kinds of glorious perks that come with winning hockey’s grandest prize. Everyone knows the obvious ones: a humungous ring, private trophy time in the closet at a party, MAXIMUM GLORY. But there are also some lesser known (but equally awesome) bonuses that come with a Stanley Cup victory. Let’s explore them, shall we?

$100 OLIVE GARDEN GIFT CARD Not only do you get your name engraved on a trophy (take that, silver!), you get your name engraved on an Olive Garden gift card! Step-mamma mia, that’s like a free trip to Italy! Remember when the Bruins’ Gregory Campbell valiantly played through a broken leg on that penalty kill in game 3 against the Penguins? That was so he could get one step closer to enjoying a Never Ending Pasta Bowl! Don’t fill up on breadsticks there, Soupy! (Unless you need them to help create a new fibula.)

24 HOURS OF “THE PURGE” STYLE LIVING: You know how sometimes pro athletes act like the law doesn’t apply to them? A Stanley Cup championship actually grants each winning player 24 hours of hot “can’t get arrested” action. If a player wants to activate this service, they simply call their MP or congressman, read the secret code on the ring (Dustin Penner’s code from last year with the Kings is “FitnessSuxxBrozeph”) and BOOM! they are untouchable. Remember when Patrick Sharp (Chicago Blackhawks, Stanley Cup winners in 2009-10) broke into the National Gallery of Canada and farted all over Gustav Klimt’s Hope I? That sure was one crazy Victoria Day.

(Note: This is also why Bryan Bickell is playing his guts out for the Hawks right now. He wants to tape Fast & Furious 6 in the theatre, but The Man is breathing down his neck. HOW IS BICKELL GONNA CATCH ALL THE SUBTLE NUANCES WITHOUT NIGHTLY VIDEO BREAKDOWNS? TELL ME HOW, FUZZ!)

FREE HOUR CARRYING GARY BETTMAN AROUND IN A BABY BJORN Few players elect to access this perk (added by Bettman, apparently, because he likes feeling like a joey.) Jonathan Quick did it last year as a lark, and he completely fucked up his back.

FREE TICKETS TO THE PUP CUP It’s a common misconception that Lord Stanley’s mug is the top prize in professional hockey. It’s not true. There’s a secret underground hockey tournament played by dogs that is run by the world’s most powerful businessmen, businesswomen and businessanimals. (The Koch brothers, for instance, are rumoured to own a team of physical, fast-skating Great Danes.) Win the cup and not only do you get to watch the tournament, you also get to pet the MVP for 30 minutes! Yes, there is fighting in dog hockey. But it’s all done with paws and a “fighter’s code.” Oh, and they employ no-touch icing, because THEY’RE NOT ANIMALS FOR PETE’S SAKE.

A SERIES OF WEIRD DRUNK TEXTS FROM VLADIMIR PUTIN (RUSSIAN PLAYERS ONLY) “hey evgeni, itz ur #1 homie VP!!!?!! me n tha ballnchain broke up, come ovr n hang out. ovi’s bringin his old n64 so we can pound mikes hard n play goldeneye all nite”

“ay boi, VP again. grabbing some za n cranking t.A.T.u. don’t leave me hangin”

“oh snap!! Hrd Georgia wuz sayin shit bout our moms!! we shd totally mezz them up”

“i miss lyudmila :(”

“wtvr dude. jus listenin to lisa loeb. I don’t care”

ONE CONCUSSION IS TAKEN AWAY The NHL doesn’t actually have this power, but shhhh!, they’d rather you not tell anyone. They just put a Powerade towel over a player’s head and crack an egg over the towel. (In 2007, this actually gave Anaheim’s Andy McDonald a concussion.)

FRONT ROW SEATS TO A LIVE EXECUTION (PLUS BOTTLE SERVICE) Only applicable in select American states, no outside food please. Dallas’s Derian Hatcher ruined things for EVERYONE when he brought lasagna to Death Party 99. He spilled that shit on the laps of at least three Oak Ridge Boys, and the league hasn’t heard the end of it since.

A TENDER KISS ON THE FOREHEAD FROM DAD “You did good, son. I don’t blame you for not taking over the family farm. I know city folks don’t take giraffe ranching serious no more. But it doesn’t mean I should take it out on you. It’s just been so hard since your mom got trampled by Neck Carter. *yells at giraffe with a blonde mane* YEAH, I’M TALKIN’ BOUT CHA, NECK! Now what was I saying? Oh yeah. Good job champ. I’m proud of ya, Sid.”

(Note: Players without dads will get a tender forehead kiss from a trusted neighbourhood curmudgeon.)

Dan MacRae has a series of names engraved on him. (It’s a sex thing.) You can follow him on Twitter: @danmacrae

2013-06-13

2 thoughts on “Eyes On The Prizes”

  1. If only Eric Lindross had won like 80 Stanley Cups, he might still be playing today.

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