Aw NHL Naw: The season may be over but there’s still time for one more wordbarf
by Dan MacRae
By the time you read this, the 2012/2013 NHL season will have come to a close. (Unless you’re reading this in the past, in which case STOP THE ASSASSINATION OF MAHATMA GANDHI!) Oh what a ride it’s been. The thrilling highs, the crushing lows, the championship game-winnery of the Chicago Blackhawks and/or Boston Bruins. The bits where Logan Couture did something that made you forget he has the name of a Bratz character. You done worked our emotions up good, hockey menz!
The season may be over but time marches on. The 2013 NHL entry draft takes place on June 30 and, as a public service, here’s an expertly scouted prediction of how the first 14 picks of the draft are gonna play out.
THE AW NHL NAW 2013 MOCK DRAFT FUNTACULAR
1. Colorado: Skylar Canadian (C)
Good egg. Lotsa hustle. Beat up a history textbook that was giving him guff but it wasn’t anything about The War. (That’s how he keeps “good egg” status.) He’s been “the chosen one” since he was six months in the womb. His placenta is displayed behind glass in his hometown Boston Pizza. Projected to own a used car dealership in 2017 when concussions cut his career (and fashion line) short.
2. Florida: Glublin American (D)
Also a good egg. Also has lotsa hustle. Wanted to be a playwright BUT NOOOOO, DAD WANTED AN ICE HOCKEY MAN! AM I GOOD ENOUGH NOW DADDY? Most GMs were troubled when he likened 1-3-1 set-ups to a Glass Menagerie but Panthers general manager Dale Tallon sees upside.
3. Tampa Bay: Teppo Finlannmen (C)
This mysterious foreigner is neither mysterious nor all that foreign, considering the league’s makeup. Will put in eight good seasons of two-way play in Tampa before being sent to aquajail in 2020 by Governor Durst for being a “job bandit.”
4. Nashville: Affliction Goodboy (D)
Prairie boy with a heart of gold*!
*Charges didn’t stick.
5. Carolina: Trunt College (RW)
Scouts question his “compete level” because he once hinted he might want to finish his degree at North Dakota State Tech A&M of Grand Forks. Was originally projected in the top three, but his stock fell after Don Cherry circulated a picture of the forward making out with a non-stationary bicycle.
6. Calgary: Gennady Russianeytov (LW)
Super-talented left winger that may be the best pure player in this draft. He’s also “enigmatic”. A two-week stay at the NHL Re-Education Centre will change that! Jay Feaster has called ahead to reserve the pipe-swinging robots that beat the free will out of Europeans.
7. Edmonton: Wayne Gretzky (C)
This is sort of a “let’s try this out just in case” type pick. If it doesn’t pan out, Edmonton will just pick again in a similar spot next year. Ooh, maybe Bill Ranford will still be available in the second round! If that’s the case, Kevin Lowe will be named President of Hockey Operations Emeritus.
8. Buffalo: Stabrizio: The Friendly Sword! (Mascot)
Look, Sabretooth isn’t going to live forever (and if he is, God help us all). Buffalo might want to stock their mascot prospect cupboard with this local sword with arms attached. Does he have issues? Yes. Does Stabrizio abuse crystal meth and stanozolol? Yes. If he’s loved too much does he turn from a foam sword into a real sword? Yes. Do he and Ryan Miller have a beef over a gambling debt? Yes. Still, you gotta love this sword’s upside.
9. New Jersey: Shhhh! Shhhh!strom (RW)
In this spot, New Jersey’s set to draft a quiet, system-savvy top-six forward that will eventually sign a huge contract with a big market club and absolutely tank the economy. (In the 2018 NHL Entry Draft, Lou Lamoriello will try to move up in the first round to draft a pair of warrior goggles and a drum of water.)
10. Dallas: Alex Carder (QB)
GM Jim Nill really wanted to use this spot to draft a top-four caliber defenceman to improve Dallas’s shaky blueline, but the city’s fan vote told the club to go in a different direction. Curse you, social media!
11. Philadelphia: Howard Neilsen (G)
If it seems like a bit of a reach to take a goaltender this early, it kind of is. But the Flyers aren’t planning on developing this goalie. The plan is to sacrifice this draft pick inside a flaming wicker statue in an attempt to get the crops in the Wells Fargo Center to grow again (it sounds cruel but it’s much more humane than actually forcing someone to play goal in Philly).
12. Phoenix: Key Arena (Seattle Ice Hockey Playing Structure)
Upside is said to be huge, rocketing this pick ahead of Quebec City on the Coyotes’ draft board.
13. Winnipeg: GRRR! O’GRRRRR! (D)
Actually a grizzly bear that’s passed itself off as a human for the last three years. Scouts are impressed by his size, speed and leadership qualities. O’GRRRRR! has also been the best quote in the locker room each year he’s been in junior hockey. Like all potential draft picks, there’s legitimate concern he won’t report to Winnipeg.
14. Columbus Alexander Wennberg (C)
The smooth-skating two-way Swedish forward notched 32 points in 46 games for Djurgarden this year. What? Who says they all have to be joke picks?
Dan MacRae thanks you reading his nonsense this year. You can follow him on Twitter: @danmacrae