Hnetflix

Hnetflix

by Shane “I Wanna Be Adam Sandler’s BFF” Hnetka

We’re one step closer to the Apocalypse. “Why do you say that, Shane?” Well, I say this because horrible Adam Sandler has another hit on his hands and it’s all thanks to the legions of idiot moviegoers who went to Grown Ups 2.

Why would ANYONE go to an Adam Sandler movie in 2013? We all know it’s going to be stupid. And sure enough, critics hated Sandler’s crappy new film — Grown Ups 2 got a wretched 19 out of 100 on Metacritic and a rancid six per cent on Rotten Tomatoes.

You know what critics liked? Pacific Rim. It got a 64 on Metacritic and a 71 per cent on Rotten Tomatoes. But no, audiences were more interested in Adam Sandler’s crappy “comedy” than Guillermo Del Toro’s fun-filled monsters-versus-robots epic.

Whatever. Go ahead and worship your precious Adam “Whore Of Babylon” Sandler. But don’t come crying to me when everything’s all earthquakes, darkness and seven-headed dragons. I warned you.

BANNED AND LEAKED

Every weekend I write the column Sunday Matinee on Dog Blog (at www.prairiedogmag.com, for those of you who are new to the Internet in these parts). On June 9, I wrote about banned films such as the Vietnamese action movie Cho Lon, which was quashed by that country’s super-lame film board.

Not surprisingly, a version of the movie has now been leaked online.

The version that went up on July 5 was a roughly edited alternate cut that had most of the violence removed in the futile effort to please censors. This kind of thing doesn’t generally happen in Vietnam and the authorities are not amused. It’s now a police matter and charges will likely be laid against whoever distributed this banned material. Whatever happens, it looks like Cho Lon will end up being the most watched Vietnamese motion picture in 2013.

People should stop banning movies. It doesn’t really work in this day and age.

END GAYME

Speaking of banning movies, several human rights groups are organizing a boycott of the upcoming sci-fi film Ender’s Game. The story is based on a novel written by batshit crazy Orson Scott Card. Until recently, Card was a board member of the virulently homophobic National Organization for Marriage, which has waged a hysterical, mean-spirited and completely irrational campaign against same-sex marriage in the U.S. since 2007. Card has been quite open about his stupid, bigoted opinions and, not surprisingly, he’s pissed a lot of people off. Recently DC comics ran into trouble when they announced that Card was going to write a Superman story. Several boycotts were announced and DC was forced to pull the story after the artist who was assigned to draw it walked. Now Lionsgate and subsidiary Summit Entertainment is facing the same sort of bad publicity, albeit with a lot more money at stake. Their response? Card was left off the San Diego Comic-Con Ender’s Game panel and the companies just announced that the movie’s premiere will be an LGBT benefit.

I don’t remember a studio ever working this hard to distance themselves from an author whose book they just spent gazillions of dollars adapting.

It’ll be interesting to see what happens in November when Ender’s Game opens.