Bonus Column

mayoroftheseaDear supermarine constituents,

That was some winter, hey? If you think you had the “winter blues,” think how it feels for your local aquatic representative when all the water’s frozen. Can’t swim, can’t flood the city, can’t let Deputy Mayor Squiddy out for a walk. Mostly I’ve been catching up on True Detective (how about that Yellow King, hey? Whoever he turns out to be, it’s going to be a mind-blower!) and “blinging out” my aquarium. Treasure chests, seashells, a little dude in a diving bell — this thing is going to rock so hard.

But as the snow melts and the seasons work their magic on us all, it’s high time that we “set our sights” on the future and go “full steam ahead”!

And that future, as everyone knows, is our new stadium.

I am in talks with PCL Construction to ensure that our latest and greatest sports arena can not only seat 30,000-plus people but also hold plenty of cold, murky salt water. Imagine the joy on your children’s faces as the exits seal over and the vents open up to release thousands upon thousands of gallons of brine! First you will run, then wade, then swim, and finally float lifelessly, your body suspended in the water’s chilling embrace. Let minnows take your flesh and coral claim your bones. You too can have a place in my Museum of Humanity, where whales and tuna and all manner of sea life can visit and pay tribute to the strange past, when creatures breathed hateful air and walked the gone, dry lands.

But I’m getting way ahead of myself here — the Waterpocalypse isn’t happening until at least 2018. We haven’t even selected a contractor for retrofitting the stadium into a museum in your memory.

But if history is any indication, it’ll probably be PCL.

Yours in krill,
Palinode
Mayor of the Sea

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Palinode is your officially elected Mayor of the Sea. He is also available for underwater birthday parties, weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs.

2014-03-20