Did You Know?

2015: Great music, race riots and timeline trouble

Back to the Future - by Dakota McFadzean

Bonus ColumnDid you know that 2015 is the year we are currently living in, but that hasn’t always been the case? And did you know that as recently as last year, we were living in 2014? Here are more facts you did not know about the year that this is!

 

Did You Know?

Sleater-Kinney, the foundational ’90s band, has released a reunion album that critics are calling “the first great record of 2015”! In fact, Sleater-Kinney’s new record is meant to be listened to briefly, written about on the Internet in ecstatic terms and then immediately discarded.

Did You Know?

Speaking of albums, D’Angelo’s long-awaited Black Messiah was meant to arrive in 2015 but was released last month in solidarity with widespread protests against American cops killing unarmed black people. Unfortunately, Black Messiah’s early release has upset the time-space continuum and introduced a series of alternate 2015s into our timeline. As a result, the mountain of columns with titles like “It’s 2015. Where’s My Hoverboard?” will be rendered obsolete as actual hoverboards from Back To The Future Part II spontaneously materialize in Walmarts everywhere. Next, millions of young Michael J. Foxes from that movie’s alternate 1985 timeline will appear in black American homes, arguing they live in them (they don’t). The subsequent “Fox Riots” will consume the latter half of 2015, as infinite Michael J. Foxes pour through the space-time rift, each one desperately trying to repair the mistakes it made in previous time jumps.

Did You Know?

The Back To The Future trilogy might be the whitest bunch of films ever made. Seriously: a white-fantasy version of an idyllic 1950s, a time-travelling DeLorean (!!!) and Huey Lewis, “The Musician Made Of Whitium” (a rare mineral formed when Edward Furlong pees on old Family Ties VHS tapes). The only way these movies could be any whiter is if they starred Crispin Glover.

Did You Know?

Back To The Future co-starred Crispin Glover.

Prairie Dog’s Bureau of Facts is an actual bureau drawer full of fact-laden sheafs of paper. It not only “knows” the past but also “remembers” the future, because it’s the only bureau drawer in existence unbounded by linear time. It was discovered in a basement in 1972, and no you can’t see it.

2015-01-08