Advice For Bachelors

by A.G. Testigrande

illustration by Jonah McFadzean

Bonus ColumnSo you’re a Saskatchewan bachelor. Congratulations! No doubt you’re holding bachelor parties, living in a bachelor suite and working on a bachelor’s degree. You’re probably even looking up the etymological origins of the word “bachelor” and discovering that it once meant “a novice knight”. Lookin’ good, Sir Studly!

Yeah, being a bachelor is sweet. But with Valentine’s Day coming up, it’s time to bro-up and get yourself a bachelorette. Why? Because you’re entitled to one of those ambulatory rewards for your special dudehood.

To get your babe, though, you need to bro-down right. Here’s a guide to getting your style straight (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) (I mean not gay).

BE A LIBERTARIAN LOTHARIO Only lesbos like lefties, bro. If you want to bring in a babe, corner her (literally if possible) at your next campus party and get her randy by telling her about Ayn Rand. She’ll be like, “aw yeah, parasitic altruists got no concept of supply and demand.” Then you demand that she supply you with sex! This never fails.

GET AHEAD, RIDER GEARHEAD Do you like your sweet signed Rider jersey, Rider knit cap, Rider shorts and pants, Rider shoes, Rider beer fridge, Rider beer cooler, Rider beer cozy, Rider medical scrubs and your “I Am Rider Nation” armband? Guess what? So do women — so wear them everywhere. Suggested pick-up line: “Hey, are you in this year’s Rider cheerleader calendar? No? Well you could be.” Then point at your crotch to indicate where she should direct her gratitude.

YOU’RE ON A ROLL, TINDER TROLL The world of social media and apps has opened up new ways to interact with women and show them your junk. Is a hottie on Twitter talking politics or art? Tell her why she’s wrong and send her a picture of your junk. Found an old high school crush on Facebook? Friend her! Do some catching up! Then show her your junk. Babes will be swiping right all over your profile.

NICE GUYS DO OR DIE Are you a decent person who regards women as people and not boob-having objects that you sort of put sex into? Awesome. You can totally turn that strength of character into an advantage. Talk with women, listen to them, empathize with them. But don’t let them friendzone you! You’ve put in your time as a regular human being and now your penis deserves a reward!

And don’t worry if your shot at a shortie fails — just keep trying! One day you’ll find that special someone who isn’t a total stuck-up frigid feminazi bitch. Because you deserve one, bro.

A.G. Testigrande is a misogynist, self-taught booty ninja and expert virgin. Would you like to see his junk?