I’ll Start My Own Province With Booze and Strippers

dudeBONUS COLUMN by Devin Dudebroski

So Mr. Premier got butthurt about strip clubs serving alcohol and made it illegal again. WTF. I thought we voted out the communists when we elected the Sask Party. Well guess what, they’re back — and now they’re taking away our beer boobage before we even get to enjoy it.

I definitely am not putting up with this socialist shite. I’ll start my own sweet-ass province! The drinks and babes will be epic. We’ll have other stuff too:

Two Three Craven Country Jamborees

I get a lot of action at Craven. Let’s put it this way: an adult human body has 206 bones in it. The ladies I meet at Craven? Two-hundred and frickin’ seven. And three Cravens equals three times the boning.

No More French

Second languages are really dumb. We invented English so we wouldn’t have to speak anything else. We can still use sign language though, because I love giving the finger and throwing up the “shocker” when I see a babe I like.

Nobody Pays Taxes

My province will be sponsored by Monster Energy drink.

NHL Hockey

We’ll have an NHL franchise called the Recession Proofs — “The Prüf’s” for short because it looks super badass, like my dad’s favourite band, Mötley Crüe. Also: our logo will be a can of Monster Energy drink.

Dads Who Stick Around

This is my fantasy, okay?

Better Location

My province will be in west BC. Left coasters have had the beach long enough — it’s our turn! Plus, my buddy Dave grows wicked tight pot.

A Film Tax Credit

I believe a film tax credit is worthwhile because creative industries bring outside revenue to local businesses, and let us keep unique talent in the province. Also, we’re gonna film and sell pornography. Dave makes mad money selling pornos.

Ultimate Fighting

Nothing but UFC on the TV. All. The. Time.

This isn’t an empty threat, Mr. Premier. This isn’t just a drunken phone rant I left on my ex’s voicemail then wrote down on an empty protein powder package. This is serious. If you don’t give me my strippers and beer back, I WILL start my own province.

And I’ll build a giant wall — called “The Brad Wall” — around it to keep your Saskatchewan Suck out.

Devin Dudebroski last ate vegetables in 2011.

2015-04-02

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