The Bear Is Drunk

Bonus Column by A.G. Tumnus

© Myron Campbell

Can I have everyone’s attention?

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

Foxes, badgers, squirrels, voles, stoats, fellow forest creatures — we have a problem. We’ve prepared for this situation. We’ve run drills, laid traps, fortified our dens and warrens.

We hoped this day would never come. But friends, the day is here.

The bear is drunk and it’s screwing with everybody’s shit.

We don’t yet know whether the bear ate a barrel of fermenting apples from the orchard or broke into a cabin and drank someone’s beer. Reports are still coming in. But we can confirm this much: the bear is trashed, stinking drunk.

Have you ever run into a cross-eyed, 500-pound bear? It’s like staring into twin goofy gateways to hell.

Even as we speak, the damage is being done. This afternoon the bear stuck its muzzle down the rabbits’ hole, demanding they “come out and party”. Then it started on a long, rambling anecdote about berries and how “blackberries are bullshit” before throwing up into the warren. Nobody was hurt, but the rabbits are basically homeless now.

By the way, if anybody wants to help out the rabbit family, there’s a hollow stump in the back where you can leave nuts and bark and grass. No carrots, please — I’m told they’ve already got plenty of carrots.

The bear was last seen hitting on a deer and bragging about the size of its poops. This situation is spiraling out of control.

Let’s not panic. We’ll be fine if we stay calm. Let’s just hunker down and wait for the bear to pass out in the middle of the road somewhere so the humans can laugh at it.

It’s the best thing we can do.

A.G. Tumnus is a denizen of the forest and guardian of the small things that dwell there.