Hey, Why Are My Shoes Made Of Fire?

Bonus Column by A.G. Feuerschuh

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Hey everyone. Quick question: do these shoes seem on fire to you? Because I’m starting to think that my new kicks aren’t just flame red — they’re literally made of flames.

I spotted the shoes in a storefront window last week. Straight off, I noticed the sweet flames painted all over them and thought “How cool would those be with a cowboy hat and a string tie?” But now that I’m wearing them around and showing them off, it’s hard to escape the conclusion that my new shoes are not only on fire right now — they’ve been on fire from the very moment that I bought them.

Now I’m starting to wonder about that store. Every item in there had the same flame pattern. Even the salesperson’s outfit! It was hard to get his attention because he kept running around screaming “Put it out put it out”, and I was like, “Yeah, put out these crazy deals because this store is ON FIRE” (I’m in marketing so those sorts of lines come pretty easily to me).

I chuckled at my wit. But now that I think about it, that store might have been on fire for real when I walked in. That would explain the smoke! And the fire engines.

It would also explain the terrible burns covering my feet, ankles, calves, shins, knees and thighs. It took me a few days to make the connection, but it soon became clear that the charred flesh and horrific pain only happened when I slipped on those shoes.

Have you tried getting into the hottest clubs and restaurants when everyone around you is blinking and coughing from the billowing waves of smoke and tongues of flame coming from your feet? Trust me, after your shoes shut down one hip lounge, every bouncer and hostess in town knows who you are. I thought that a high-end sushi joint would be okay because you have to remove your shoes before being seated, but it seems that other parts of me are now on fire too.

At least the rest of my outfit matches my awesome new shoes.

A.G. Feuerschuh is a man about town. He is also on fire.