What Just Happened

News and Horror from the last two weeks

News | by Stephen Whitworth

Holy shit snacks*, it’s the end of September. How did that happen? Where did the time go? Where did the leaves go? That’s easy — they’re all on my friend Kat’s Cathedral neighbourhood porch. But you’re not reading this for dead-leaf information, are you? You’re reading this for bad-news information. So let’s get you some of that. You’ll have to provide your own warm blankie and fuzzy slippers.

Here we go!

LET’S GO FOR 12! For the 11th month in a row, our adorable planet set a temperature record. Yes my friends, August 2016 was the hottest August on record — which means it was the hottest August in at least 136 years because that’s how long humanity has been keeping these records for.

But don’t take my word (of the lamestream media’s) for it. Here’s what NASA — the rocket scientists who track this stuff — had to say about August’s average temperature.

“Although the seasonal temperature cycle typically peaks in July, August 2016 wound up tied with July 2016 for the warmest month ever recorded,” said NASA. “August 2016’s temperature was 0.16 degrees Celsius warmer than the previous warmest August in 2014.

NASA continues: “Last month also was 0.98 degrees Celsius warmer than the mean August temperature from 1951-1980.”

So, basically, the world is a degree warmer than it used to be 36 years ago. Probably nothing to worry about.  But if you do like to worry (or have an irrational obsession with reality, even when it’s terrifying) I suggest you head over to xkcd.com and look up the comic “A Timeline Of Earth’s Average Temperature Since The Last Ice Age Glaciation”. Give that sucker a good scroll-down for a chilling perspective of the incredible speed at which the world is warming.

Alternately, you could pretend you’re smarter than NASA and watch Duck Dynasty or whatever idiots watch.

TRUMP EXCEEDS HYOOGE EXPECTATIONS I always have a great excuse for Prairie Dog missing its press deadline. This issue’s is brought to you by Donald Trump, the angry Oomp-Loompa who suffers from gigantism (except in the hands) who wants to be President of the United States.

On Monday night when I should have been editing Jorge’s film reviews, Trumpa-Loompa was in a televised debate with Hillary Clinton, another presidential candidate who, though not perfect, does possess a high degree of competence, intelligence and intermittently a track record of not being a lying orange shithead moron every single day of her life.

How could I not watch? Sorry, Terry.

Although pundits expected the debate — the first of three between the candidates — to be a gong show, I have a hard time believing they were prepared for the televised acid trip that ensued. Trump rambled about 400-pound hackers, all the generals who support him and how  not paying taxes makes him smart while sniffling for 90 minutes like an anaphylactic who can’t find their EpiPen.

Clinton, though somewhat stiff, countered Trump’s fascist Tourette’s-fuelled vocalizations with intelligence and detailed plans. She won the debate handily. Even the white supremacists gave her the win. (Yes, that’s true.)

Unfortunately, if there’s one thing a lot of Americans hate, it’s smart chicks. Especially when they’re not hot enough. Get ready for President Donald, God-Emperor of used car salesmen stereotypes everywhere, and his “winning temperament”. He’s gonna be hyoooge.

* I’ve been watching a lot of Archer on Netflix lately. Don’t judge me.