The second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs are upon us. Here’s a handy guide to the next bit of ice hockey watchingdom.
(This week’s Aw NHL Naw also includes a secret message that I’m sending out to my freemason masters. Can you crack the code? Put some Dover’s Powder in your gin and give it your best shot!)
Have you been enjoying the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs and Pizza ‘n’ Pop Funtacular so far? If you’re like me, it can be a bit of a struggle to follow the playoffs when your team isn’t one of the sixteen in the running for Lord Stanley’s most famous (non-sexual) prize. As a public service, I’ve put together some tips on how to make the playoffs work for you even if you don’t have a horse in the race.
(Note: Most ice hockey teams should consider replacing their human rosters with horse rosters. Once horses sort out how ice works, they’ll be unstoppable. Those mammals just want it more, y’know?)
This week’s Aw NHL Naw lets the playoffs speak for itself. Instead of playoff talk, let’s stumble into the magical world of game show auditiondom.
Do you have playoff fever all up in them guts yet? Of course you do. You’re probably dehydrated, disoriented and vomiting up a storm. With the Stanley Cup Playoffs set to kick off on Tuesday, here’s a helpful guide letting you know who will be competing for custody of their children hockey’s grandest prize. Continue Reading →
*jumps out of an oil drum* It’s an all new Aw NHL Naw! *crawls back into the oil drum of surprise*
Jarome Iginla has been traded from one professional ice hockey team to another professional ice hockey team. *puts straw into juicebox* So what does this all mean?
It’s a trade that will make the Pittsburgh Penguins better (Holy shit did they really get Iginla, Brenden Morrow and Douglas “Swedish Guy With The Most Canadian Name Ever” Murray all in a week’s time?), the Boston Bruins extra pissy (Their fans will probably maintain the same level of racism, though.) and give Calgary Flames fans a sense of hope that rebuilding is finally going to happen.
Congratulations Flames fans, at least when you’re firmly in the basement you can feel something. No more pressing a curling iron against your forearm just to “like know you’re still alive, man.” First thing you get to feel: The realization that Ray Shero swindled you like a moustachioed silent picture villain. It’s not a great deal for Calgary, but it still qualifies as progress.
This trade also means that trade deadline day is going to suck more balls than usual. Roughly six cubic meters more balls by my count. Are you going to skip work or school or your BDSM appointment to watch James Duthie shrug for eight hours and eat fruit snacks because nothing of interest is going to happen? (Level of interest may vary depending on how much of a tizzy Ryane Clowe gets you in.) Be sure to have a few bags of wine with you while watching deadline day stuff this year. Things have to get exciting and unpredictable somehow.
Offsides! Icings! CBA negotiations! Boy, hockey really has it all, don’t it? It’s great. I watched a lot of it this week, but for this edition of Aw NHL Naw, I’m going to go on a bit of a ramble about an award show I went to. Apologies all around. Please contact Prairie Dog for an apology voucher. Things will return to normal next week.
Welcome to Aw NHL Naw. A column where our mini sticks are always curved for your pleasure.
Time for an all new Aw NHL Naw: The only hockey column blessed by the new Pope!
(Legal Note: The self proclaimed Pope that blessed this column was a dude with two eye patches made out of Rice Krispies boxes. He threw a half finished Ginger Ale at me on the bus. I believe his name was Dale. God bless him.)
Hey, it’s a Mario Lemieux Hockey‘s Bob Smith! Time to throw on your sock garters. It’s an all new Aw NHL Naw.
LISTEN LISTEN NEVER TURTLE/IF YOU DO THAT THEY’LL CALL YOU MYRTLE! LET’S GO! *never ending BKS techno fury*
It’s an all new Aw NHL Naw. Let’s go. Continue Reading →
(image h/t GameFan)
BEES EVERYWHERE! THEY ARE STINGING THE SHIT OUT OF MY FINGERS! QUICK HIDE THE ROYAL HONEY! DO IT BEFO Oh hi, I didn’t see you walk into the internet. My name’s Dan and I’m here to take you on a whirlwind tour of the comings and goings of the National Hockey League. (Also there are swearz ‘n’…well that’s about it.) Away we go!
Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. Here’s a quick reminder that even down on their luck dogs like Charles can have a happy ending in their future.
Feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day? Not anymore, you’re not! The Found Footage Festival has a new main squeeze ready to sweep you off your feet. The Instant Adoring Boyfriend is here to shower you with compliments, struggle with putting whipped cream on leftover chocolate cake and holy shit is he ready to watch you sleep.
Put on your finest seafaring gear, because you’re in for some smokin’ hot dreamboat action!
Take a break from compiling your super sweet all Merril Bainbridge Valentine’s Day mixtape and come hang out with me in the Aw NHL Naw tree fort. We’ve got Kool-Aid Jammers and wigs up in this fort!
Time for another round of Aw NHL Naw. Aw NHL Naw: Your go-to source for Darren Pang erotic fan fiction!
Ice hockey: Let’s talk about it. (Time permitting we can also scat sing about it.)
Hockey: A sport that didn’t exist until children’s author Estelle Salata invented in the mid 1980s for her book Mice at Centre Ice.
Let’s talk about hockey, shall we?
/cracks Warren Rychel piñata
