Mayoral Candidate Emerges From Lake, Urges Minneapolis To Wake The Fuck Up

If Minneapolis plays their cards right, this guy will mayor the shit outta their city. After all, what kind of maniac would vote against a guy with a campaign ad as amazing as this one?

Remember: Jeff Wagner is cool with making $100K a year and he’s willing to give up going to the strip clubs to do it.

(h/t Deadspin)

Your Body, Your Choice (Note: Offer May Not Be Valid In Texas)

In response to Texas being dicky-dicks about reproductive rights, comedian Christi Olson (full disclosure: she’s my fiancé) wrote a blog post giving information on how to terminate a pregnancy on your own if you do not have access to a safe and legal abortion.

Also super helpful: Women on Web

Aw NHL Naw: Misconductales (Ooh Ooh)

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This is a picture of David Boreanaz hanging out with the Stanley Cup while holding a human skull. The skull’s probably a reference to his work on Bones, but it could also be something he pulled from Sprague Cleghorn’s grave. The NHL seems like they’d be cool with that. “A CELEBRITY HAS A HOCKEY MAN SKULL? DOES THIS MEAN HE’D BE OPEN TO APPEARING IN A PICTURE WITH MARIAN HOSSA? MAYBE THEY COULD PRETEND TO BE A PAIR OF BRIDGESTONE TIRES!”

That’s the magic of the playoffs, right there.
Continue reading “Aw NHL Naw: Misconductales (Ooh Ooh)”

Aw NHL Naw: Onward To Round 2

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The second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs are upon us. Here’s a handy guide to the next bit of ice hockey watchingdom.

(This week’s Aw NHL Naw also includes a secret message that I’m sending out to my freemason masters. Can you crack the code? Put some Dover’s Powder in your gin and give it your best shot!)

Continue reading “Aw NHL Naw: Onward To Round 2”

Aw NHL Naw: Protect and Survive

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Have you been enjoying the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs and Pizza ‘n’ Pop Funtacular so far? If you’re like me, it can be a bit of a struggle to follow the playoffs when your team isn’t one of the sixteen in the running for Lord Stanley’s most famous (non-sexual) prize. As a public service, I’ve put together some tips on how to make the playoffs work for you even if you don’t have a horse in the race.

(Note: Most ice hockey teams should consider replacing their human rosters with horse rosters. Once horses sort out how ice works, they’ll be unstoppable. Those mammals just want it more, y’know?)

Continue reading “Aw NHL Naw: Protect and Survive”

Aw NHL Naw: Annihilate This Week

bbbrD79CDxBEhOIDo you have playoff fever all up in them guts yet? Of course you do. You’re probably dehydrated, disoriented and vomiting up a storm. With the Stanley Cup Playoffs set to kick off on Tuesday, here’s a helpful guide letting you know who will be competing for custody of their children hockey’s grandest prize. Continue reading “Aw NHL Naw: Annihilate This Week”

Aw NHL Naw Extra: Calgary Man To Hang Out With Sport Chek Employee

fightJarome Iginla has been traded from one professional ice hockey team to another professional ice hockey team. *puts straw into juicebox* So what does this all mean?

It’s a trade that will make the Pittsburgh Penguins better (Holy shit did they really get Iginla, Brenden Morrow and Douglas “Swedish Guy With The Most Canadian Name Ever” Murray all in a week’s time?), the Boston Bruins extra pissy (Their fans will probably maintain the same level of racism, though.) and give Calgary Flames fans a sense of hope that rebuilding is finally going to happen.

Congratulations Flames fans, at least when you’re firmly in the basement you can feel something. No more pressing a curling iron against your forearm just to “like know you’re still alive, man.” First thing you get to feel: The realization that Ray Shero swindled you like a moustachioed silent picture villain. It’s not a great deal for Calgary, but it still qualifies as progress.

This trade also means that trade deadline day is going to suck more balls than usual. Roughly six cubic meters more balls by my count. Are you going to skip work or school or your BDSM appointment to watch James Duthie shrug for eight hours and eat fruit snacks because nothing of interest is going to happen? (Level of interest may vary depending on how much of a tizzy Ryane Clowe gets you in.) Be sure to have a few bags of wine with you while watching deadline day stuff this year. Things have to get exciting and unpredictable somehow.

Aw NHL Naw: Blood on the Trolley Tracks (a special more non-hockey than usual edition)

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Offsides! Icings! CBA negotiations! Boy, hockey really has it all, don’t it? It’s great. I watched a lot of it this week, but for this edition of Aw NHL Naw, I’m going to go on a bit of a ramble about an award show I went to. Apologies all around. Please contact Prairie Dog for an apology voucher. Things will return to normal next week.

Continue reading “Aw NHL Naw: Blood on the Trolley Tracks (a special more non-hockey than usual edition)”

Aw NHL Naw: Knock On Sherwood

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Time for an all new Aw NHL Naw: The only hockey column blessed by the new Pope!

(Legal Note: The self proclaimed Pope that blessed this column was a dude with two eye patches made out of Rice Krispies boxes. He threw a half finished Ginger Ale at me on the bus. I believe his name was Dale. God bless him.)

Continue reading “Aw NHL Naw: Knock On Sherwood”

Aw NHL Naw: Live From Brett Hull’s Outlaw GT Racing League

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LISTEN LISTEN NEVER TURTLE/IF YOU DO THAT THEY’LL CALL YOU MYRTLE! LET’S GO! *never ending BKS techno fury*

It’s an all new Aw NHL Naw. Let’s go. Continue reading “Aw NHL Naw: Live From Brett Hull’s Outlaw GT Racing League”