Just in time for American Thanksgiving (the holiday made famous by that episode of Caroline in the City where Caroline’s cartoon was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade), it’s Aw NFL Naw.
Before we begin, I should note that the man below is the mayor of the city that I live in. He makes Chris Christie look like goddamn Tony Jaa.
ROB FORD IS BEING TACKLED BY LIFE
Feast On The Giblets Of Your Enemies This week we’ve got (not our) Thanksgiving games! Hooray! Yahoo! Alta Vista! etc. If I’m being honest, Thanksgiving Day games are kind of a mixed bag. There’s the thrill of football during the weekday, which is like being given a backrub from an attractive Pegasus or something, but it comes with the knowledge that you’re stuck with a slate of games that’s going to be only okay. I’m on a high from watching live coverage balloons go down the street, I can’t go with just “okay”. I AM FIRED UP FROM WATCHING A MR PEANUT FLOAT AND I HAVE A BELLY FULL OF BAGGED WINE, FULFILL MY DREAMS SPORTS DUDEZ. Also games at Ford Field look horrible on TV. It’s like the Lions exclusively play home games in a giant Costco warehouse. It’s a good thing the Texans are playing in Detroit this year, because J.J. Watt looks like a guy that fantasizes about having sex on a pile of Kirkland Signature jeans.
Look At This Terrifying Fucking Picture
I found this on football101women.com and it shakes me to my core. It’s like some Wicker Man type shit. Even though it’s just a Photoshopped picture meant to demonstrate the relationship between Thanksgiving and football in a “zany” way, I’m pretty sure I can make out a local Detroit bookstore owner screaming: “Oh, God… I humbly entreat you for the soul of this, thy servant, Local Merchant… who will today depart from this world. Do not deliver me into the enemy’s hands… or… put me out of mind forever. Let me not undergo the real pains of Hell, dear God, because I die unshriven… and establish me… in that bliss… which knows no ending… through Christ… our Lord.” before being completely engulfed in flames. (Fun Fact: Detroit bookstores are made up primarily of hardcover copies of Tim Allen’s Don’t Stand Too Close to a Naked Man.)
Blaine Gabbert’s Reign Of Terror Takes A Holiday Blaine Gabbert is not a good quarterback. He’s a great human performance art piece demonstrating what happens when the American Dream goes terribly wrong, but a quarterback the dude is not. Did you see Chad Henne last week? It was like the Jaguars were Game Genie-d into becoming a fully functioning NFL franchise. Sure, the Jags still lost to the Texans, but at least it wasn’t like watching an execution. Gabbert’s now on injured reserve, which is sorta like putting “disease that is killing you” on injured reserve. That’s probably the right way to go. You’re moving up in the world, Jaguars!
Ad Break Moo & Oink!
Take That, My Body! I’ve mowed through my $100+ stockpile of American snacks and if there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my valiant munching, it’s that Andy Capp’s Hot Fries taste like a mix of muskrat oil and polio. (Hot polio.)
Week 12 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Packers at Giants Are we in a Golden Age of doofusy quarterbacks or has that always been the deal? Take a look around, there are so many poindexters in the pivot position! I don’t doubt that there are loads of quarterbacks that are super goons (Phillip Rivers seems like a dude that would crack a beaker over a nerd’s skull while screaming “NO WITCHCRAFT”), but it’s like dingus central up in this piece. Tease-a-Louise, Eli Manning is like an anthropomorphic pair of Dockers for goodness sake. Anyway, Packers/Giants should be neat.
Week 12 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Broncos at Chiefs Those Papa Johns ads with Peyton Manning come across extra creepy now, don’t they? QUIT PRETENDING THAT PEYTON MANNING IS DESIGNING YOUR BUSINESS PLAN YOU BLACKHEARTED LAYOFF THREATENING FUCK! (Also quit making people call you “Papa”.)
No guest in blurb form this week, so our special guest this week is The Family International.
Here’s another catchy jam!