That’s right, playboy/zombie Joe Namath! Aw NFL Naw is back for Week 14.
Track 2: Come And Get It Nick “You Will Pry My Celebrity Status Out Of My Cold Dead Probably Still Soft Hands” Lachey was thrown out of Sunday’s Chargers-Bengals game after some back-and-forth guff with Chargers fans. So to sum up: If you get into get into a heated argument with Charger fans, you might get thrown out of the stadium. If you fuck over their hopes and dreams by being a terrible head coach, you might be granted tenure. I’m okay with goons getting tossed out of a stadium, but you’re doing it wrong, San Diego. Also, now I have a mental picture of Nick Lachey putting on a Jeff Blake sex jersey. *aggressively rubs steel wool on skin to try and feel clean again*
Not To Be Confused With John Harbaugh’s Six Week Run As “Coach Scoops” On City Guys That Jim Harbaugh cameo on Saved By the Bell: The New Class is really making the internet go buckwild. And with good(ish) reason. Jim Harbaugh’s unique approach to the character of “Jim Harbaugh” makes for some compelling television. My favourite bit is Harbaugh immediately walking to the arcade area and shaking the hands of patrons (like Zach Morris) because that’s just the thing good wholesome folks do when they enter a youth-oriented eatery. No one asked for that handshake BUT THAT’S HOW SOCIETY USED TO BE BEFORE ROCK MUSIC AND LASER BEAMS AND TALKING DOG MOVIES! Sigh. Simpler times.
America, America, This Is You I came across an old Los Angeles Times article a while back and it turned my brain to dust. What was it about? Why an America’s Funniest Home Videos tape screener named Smitty, of course.
Child in truck: A woman puts a girl of about 2 in the driver’s seat of a pickup whose motor is running. Then, after someone has apparently slipped the truck into drive, it moves forward 10 to 15 miles per hour with the girl still in the driver’s seat, traveling about 15 yards before hitting a camper shell and pushing it into a small car.
The crying child is removed from the truck by the woman, who appears to be laughing.
Child on slide: Dressed in a frilly white party dress, a girl of about 2 climbs by herself to the top of a 10-foot slide, then goes down it and lands in a mud puddle at the base of the slide, hitting her head on the ground and crying.
“It’s obvious she was supposed to land in the puddle because she had nowhere else to land, and there was no one there to catch her,” says Smitty. Not only that, she could have fallen from the top of the slide and been seriously hurt. “The producers don’t want anything that’s really violent,” Smitty says. “But the people sending these in don’t seem to be able to differentiate what’s funny from what’s unsafe.”
I’ve been obsessed with the world of AFV screeners and this is like cooked crack to me.
The money quote from the piece is easily:
“The boy may have wanted to be hit, but not hit like that,” says Smitty.
It’s just one giant goddamn nightmare parade! Read it and become a puddle of cringe pudding. IT IS FASCINATING STUFF!
Week 14 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Texans at Patriots It’s a Monday night game, which means this could be the game that throws several poison wrenches into your fantasy playoff picture. Be sure to practice your best swear jumbles in advance!
Week 14 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Jets at Jaguars Maurice Jones-Drew is injured. Rashad Jennings suffered a head injury last week. Who’s left on the Jags RB depth chart? Oh that’s right. JAXSON DE MOTHERFUCKING VILLE!
Good ol’ Jaxson de Ville. He looks like a focus group team-jizzed/splooshed the word “EXTREME” all over a mascot idea dream board. If there’s ever a line of potato chips exclusively marketed towards people going through a midlife crisis, Jaxson’s your spokesjaguar. (He also may be suffering from teal hives.)
Guests Saying Junk This week’s guest is comedy treasure Tom Hill. (He has doubloons in his pockets, that’s how much of a treasure he is!) You may know Tom from such things as Pump Trolley, Hip.Bang! and just being an all around good dude. Take it away, Tom.
The Real Rookies of the National Football League
Analysts are calling the rookies dominating the 2012 NFL season one of the great freshman cohorts in league history.
Andrew Luck seems to be the second coming of Peyton Manning even while the first coming is still very alive. RGIII is more a beast than Kelsey Grammer or even the South Korean boy band of the same name.
And yet, the season is far from over. There is still time for other rookies who to make a push for the NFL’s 2012 Offensive Rookie of the Year Award. Here are my bold predictions of three less-trendy names that will grab votes.
Greg McElroy, QB, New York Jets
Get ready folks, Greg McElroy will enter Week 14 a man possessed. After Mark Sanchez throws four picks in the first quarter on Sunday McElroy will come in and pull off comeback wins against the Titans, Chargers, and Bills in a series of events reminiscent of teammate Tim Tebow’s unlikely run with the Broncos. In the meantime Tebow (bruised ribs) will appear on 60 Minutes to explain his injury was in fact caused by God having borrowed a rib from his right side to create McElroy in classic Biblical style. McElroy will steal three votes in the rookie balloting on account of “miracles.”
Christian Ponder, QB, Minnesota Vikings
Sure, the man has thrown 11 interceptions, this pass, and is actually in his second year of pro ball, but you can’t argue with results. Marriage results.
It was reported on Wednesday that Vikings QB Christian Ponder is engaged to marry (permanently) ESPN’s Samatha Steele, who he met while making an appearance on the show earlier this year. Hitting open receivers in the end zone might be tough, but convincing any woman—much less a successful TV personality—to spend her life with you in just a few months while you play (poorly) through a busy NFL season is flat out sensational.
Psy, Rapper, Buffalo Bills
Rapper Psy will perform his “Gangham Style” at the halftime show of the Bills upcoming game at Toronto’s Rogers Centre in an effort to draw fans to the game, but that may not be all he adds. Bills coach Chan Gailey has hinted that Psy could take snaps in the backfield, in the hope that he will slot in smoothly with the Bills’ Please Pay Attention To Us offense.
If/when Psy breaks off one freak 85-yard run against Seattle’s vaunted rush defense, the play will take on an absurd, upsetting popularity. In the resulting cultural hubbub coach Dailey will state the Bills are keen to get Psy more touches, and the rapper will vault into Offensive Rookie of the Year contention thanks to impassioned lobbying from 10-15 year olds.
So look alive, RGIII, you never know what can happen in this league regularly gets stranger than fiction (gross wink).
Thanks Tom! Be sure to see Tom (and get a matching ankle tattoo with him) at Red Hot Riot with Jayden Pfeifer on December 21st. I’ll be there too. It’ll be an evening of magical magic.
Wrestletalkin’ Bout Stuff: I was invited to put on my panelist pants for the With Leather Re-list: WWE’s 50 Most Beautiful People In Sports-Entertainment History. (My blurbs are under the name Tobogganing Bear because I’m a cool guy burger with an order of hip-happenin’ on the side.) It’s got everything you could possibly want: hunks, hunkettes, babes, babettes, awesome panelists and all the pictures of shirtless dudes with questionable tattoos that you could ask for. Be sure to pop open a bag of wine and check it out.
Take us home, Bobby Conn!
Hang out with Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He relates to songs that feature lines about being too fat to wear leather pants.