Aw NFL Naw: Football Nog (Week 16)

Happy holidays! May all your nogs be rich, delicious and not tainted by mixed with milk to save money. (Don’t let anyone tell what to do nogwise! Gargle the exquisiteness!) It’s time for Week 16 of Aw NFL Naw.

Bear-Man Addresses The Issue Of Men Saying Things About Bears (Who Are Football Men) Brian Urlacher (who looks a lot like some sort of muscular peeled potato/human hybrid) is in the process of getting industrial strength guff for getting all grouchy about people criticizing Lovie Smith in the wake of last week’s loss to the Packers. The money quote being: “Two of the people I don’t care about: fans or media”. To be fair, he’s right. Should Urlacher lose sleep at night because a man in camouflage snowpants that puts hours into a cardboard “D” (his pal Jerry is in charge of the cardboard fence) boos the shit out of his face? Of course not. I know I should be bummed out that a professional tackleman is unhappy with my grumblings and mumblings about his crappy coach, but honestly I would love it if players were more vocal in disliking their home fans. I’d faint Victorian era style if I knew that next year players were openly mocking their fans after touchdowns. How cool would that be? AJ Green would catch a touchdown pass and instead of celebrating he would grill grown men on why they wear their football costumes. Instead of going for a Namaste bow after a score, Arian Foster could tear into our empty little lives and zing us on our assorted flaws. Every Lambeau Leap could end with punches to the necks of doughy Midwestern folk. The whole thing would have a neat Running Man sorta feel where each player lets you know that your love of this televised event is barbaric and just plain weird.

Pointy Gateway To The Midwest: The most memorable thing from last week’s slate of early games? An old dude getting a Danny Amendola spike to the face. To sum up: It wasn’t a great slate of early games. (Unless you’re sexually aroused by Jim Caldwell’s failure. A surprising amount of people are.)

Competing Sport PSA Break GET READY FOR A TIDAL WAVE OF CANADIAN YOUTH CULTURE!!!!!!!

Royalty I’m Willing To Take Shit From

1. Intergalactic Baronesses

2. Puppy Dukes & Duchesses

3. Sultan Of Skittles

4. King Elizabeth II

5. A Pinball Machine With A Crown On It

6. CAPS LOCK

Week 16 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Niners at Seahawks Did you watch any of the Seahawks/Bills game in Toronto? It was kind of a bummer seeing all the different ways the Fox Sports production team tried to make the Rogers Centre not looking like a warehouse of broken dreams. LOOK AT THIS CRAZY DOME, ALSO THERE MAY BE OTHER THINGS! MAYBE A BUNCH OF GULLS WILL PLAY DEFENCE IN THE SECOND HALF!

Week 16 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Raiders at Panthers Want to do something Raiders related but not have to put yourself through the frustration of actually watching the game? Try some of the games on the kids zone of the website. Or better yet, try the Oakland Raiders 2012 season simulator. Get eight bottles of Vex, mutter Carson Palmer’s name a bunch of times and have an intense cry in the tub. (Maybe binge eat handfuls of wet pizza.)

Videos Saying Junk No guests this week, so we’re heading straight to a holiday clip. Bring us home holiday style, The Futureheads!

Happy Holidays!

Hang out with Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He’s one of the 144 guests that you can expect to see at Red Hot Riot with Jayden Pfeifer on Friday. (He’ll be playing harmonica with Blues Traveler during the second half of the show.)