Aw NFL Naw: FUCKING UP ELECTION COVERAGE WITH FOOTBALL TALK (Week 8)

I hope you’re having a fun election day. We’re doing the football wordbarf thing again this week. Rub some Cheezies dust onto your gums and let’s get this party started.

VOTIN’ FER SPORTZ!: It sounds like both Obama and Romney will appear on Monday Night Football on November 5th. This is exciting news for people that are planning on voting but want to use tolerance of Chris Berman’s voice as a leadership measurement. SPURTZ!

They Ain’t Got Shit On The Throwback Jerseys The Gotham Rogues Wear: I like throwback jerseys. They’re are a fun bit of “Hey everybody! Do you remember The Past?” millionaire cosplay. The Steelers are going to be wearing their throwback unis this Sunday, which I think is kinda neato. They’ll be dressed like prisoners in a Depression-era bee jail. If you’re watching the game, you can make up fun bee jail back stories for all the players. Was LaMarr Woodley framed for some sort of honey insurance fraud? You make the call. Unless it’s Ben Roethlisberger. We all know what he should be in both bee and human jail for.

Ad Break: Doug Flutie – A playful and sexually dynamic heartthrob.

l’Halloween Is Gonna l’Happen Soon: Halloween is right around the corner and kaloo kalay am I ever jazzed for it. Sure, I’m a grown man that can eat candy, wear sexy latex outfits and start a fire in whichever fruit I feel like whenever the mood strikes me, but Halloween is still a blast. One thing I love love love (love) about Halloween is seeing people in elaborate costumes crying hysterically. If you’re at a Halloween party, it’s a lock you will see at least one attractive person in an extremely detailed costume (something like “Zombie Sailor Moon” because from 2001 onward every costume is Idea + Zombie = Costume) and they’ll be sobbing with weird nightmare makeup rolling off their face while yelling at their ex. “NO SKYLER! YOU ARE A TRICK! NOT A TREAT!…..WELL OF COURSE WE’RE STILL GOING HALFSIES ON OUR VALTREX PRESCRIPTION!” What a graveyard smash!

In my experience, Halloween parties tend to be drunken, debauched affairs. I’m pretty sure in the 1950s, adult Halloween parties involved a Dad dressed as a ghost (smoking a pipe through the blanket and constantly haunted by real ghosts from “the war”), a mom dressed in something kinda racist (ha! the past is such a terrifying rascal) and they would spend the night giving neighbourhood children thin slices of bundt cake and pictures of the Queen and that would be the highlight of the night. Now Halloween parties are built on sex, getting completely wasted and watching someone in an Earthworm Jim costume get cracked in the head with a collapsible baton because they looked at Zombie Rob Zombie’s girlfriend the wrong way. It’s fascinating stuff. If you’re going to a Halloween party this year, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll walk in on someone dressed as Bert Raccoon having sex with a person in an Abby & Brittany costume. When you cut a face in a pumpkin, that’s the kinda shit that’s bound to go down.

Islanders To Brooklyn: Today, my heart goes out to Islanders fans. As a Winnipeg Jets fan, I can relate. (Aside from the insane Charles Wang dictatorship thing, of course.)

Week 8 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Falcons at Eagles This game will be addressed in the guest spot portion of the column. Boom! Suspense! Feel free to use the time you might spend reading this space to determine how you feel about the guy in the Everest College ads hassling you. I think it’d be kinda cool if Ivy League schools tried to boost their enrollment that way. “What are you doing with your life? You’re living like a slob, all sprawled out on a 3 Musketeers stained futon, waiting for your kids to a plan your funeral. I got news for you, it’s gonna be a crappy funeral. Your children will cut your body into chunks and promptly throw those chunks into an Arby’s dumpster. Why not get a degree in Comparative Literature at Cornell? So pick up the phone and quit pushing cigarettes into your arm just so you can feel alive for microseconds at a time. LEARNING!”

Week 8 Game  Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Jaguars at Packers I mentioned Life With Louie a couple columns back. Here’s the episode where Louie helped the Packers defeat the Bears.

(Not to be confused with the episode of Eek the Cat where Sharky the Shark Dog helped Leonard Little get a super lenient sentence on his manslaughter conviction.)

Guests Saying Junk: Fresh off Radiothon 2012, we have CJTR General Manager Keith Colhoun popping in as this week’s guest. In addition to working at the best radio station in the city (THEY WUZ ROBBED IN THE BEST OF REGINA POLL, ROBBED I TELLS YA), Keith is also a die-hard Falcons fan. (Yup,they exist.) Do the guest spot thing, Keith!

So the lowly Falcons are flying high! To put their current 6-0 record in perspective, let’s
look at their not-so-storied history.

From 1966 to 1989, nothing of any significance happened.

In 1989 the Team drafted Deion Sanders, unleashing era #2 that put the team on the map,
but not for anything football related. Highlights(?) include eccentric Head Coach Jerry
Glanville leaving tickets for Elvis at will-call, receiver Andre Rison getting his mansion
burned down by a pop singer named Left-Eye, and ‘2 Legit 2 Quit’ era MC Hammer
as the Falcons only celebrity fan. Even a surprise trip to the Super Bowl is remembered
mostly for the off-field douchebaggery of safety Eugene Robinson. The day before the
game, Athletes in Action awarded Robinson an award for his ‘high moral character’.
Hours later, and just hours before Super Bowl XXXIII, Robinson gets busted offering an
undercover policewoman 40 bucks for a BJ.

Home Depot owner Arthur Blank bought the team in 2002, and era #3 features more
stupidity like Head Coach Bobby Petrino quitting mid-season in 2007 by leaving a note
taped to the player’s lockers. Then there was that whole Michael Vick dog fighting thing.

Coming off the bye week, the Falcons face Vick’s Eagles this Sunday. That’s just the
kind of trigger that can send the whole season off the rails. I wanted to come up with
something funny and/or optimistic to end this thing, but now I’m left feeling a little sick,
which is a familiar feeling for life-long Falcons fans.

Thanks Keith! Tussle our hair and send us home, Wheatheart! (h/t bogeyorangutan for letting me know that this video exists)

Feel free to gab at Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He recommends you prepare for cataclysm! (Also, he’s not happy that RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars is using a team format. That’s some nonsense, right there.)

Author: Dan MacRae

An Italian inventor often referred to as the father of long distance radio transmission. Known for his development of Marconi's law and his vocals in Love Inc.

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