In this week’s edition of the Dubuque Packing Company Agricultural Report, we look at innovations in the world of crop development, there’s a humourous editorial from Zeke “Thistle Pen” Reimer on Korea’s approach to beef regulation and as always we have our world famous tasteful animal nudes. Join us!
Burton Cummings Is An Adult That Chooses To Look That Way On Purpose I picked Liz & Dick instead of this year’s Grey Cup, which I think was the right decision. There was one thing I was bummed out that I missed and that was seeing Burton Cummings do the national anthem. Burton Cummings is a fascinating guy. He chooses to look the way he does on purpose. I can’t emphasize that enough: on purpose. Burton is a guy that has had one amazing decades long victory lap. The Guess Who were great (I’m from Winnipeg so I’m not only obligated to defend the Guess Who, I also get to defend horseshit like Jet Set Satellite too. Yippee!), but when do we get to break free of pretending that Cap’n Mustache showing up to things is a big deal? It’s like splooshing over Don Brewer outta Grand Funk Railroad showing up to an event. CAN YOU BELIEVE HE COULD MAKE THE TIME TO GRACE US WITH HIS PRESENCE? Yes, I can totally believe that Burton Cummings could mark “faaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrttttt” off his Girls of Salisbury House calendar to come do his jazzy junior high music teacher rendition of O Canada. It’s the same version he did at Jets games. Put away the bronze statues, Burton popping up for an event isn’t a big deal.
Also, can everyone just calm the fuck down with the “GRRRRRR JUSTIN BIEBER AIN’T FOR FOOTBALL TOUGHS LIKE ME!!!!!” grumbling? No one is going to take away your ability to drink Wiser’s and Colt Cola in the basement and punch the wall cuz you’re a big man. A pop star showed up and did a song during the halftime of your minor league football championship game. You’re still allowed to go to the garage and listen to April Wine during that portion of the show. Look, we all wish that The Flutie Brothers Band could be the halftime entertainment every year, but their asking price is too high for that dream to come true.
Hot Foot On Balls Action Great news for Lions fans and foot fetishists: Ndamukong Suh will not be suspended for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin. If you feel sorry Schaub and his kicked groin, you shouldn’t. During a local radio interview, Schaub called Suh “not Houston Texan worthy“, which is the sort of thing that the villain in a rowing club movie would say. “This Suh character takes the zing out of my watercress sandwich!” You’re allowed to say, “I don’t like that guy because he kicked me in the balls.” That’s a completely reasonable criticism.
A Bluffer’s Guide For Surviving Prison
1) Do not go to prison. Studies have shown that 86% of prison-related violence takes place in prison.
2) On your first day in prison, it’s important to seek out the biggest, meanest and most dangerous guy there. Once you do that, you can him if he wants to join your newly formed prison improv troupe. He’ll be flattered and delighted!
3) If you’re on death row, be sure to clearly write “poison antidote” on your last meal request sheet. Not only will it keep you alive, but it normally comes with a side of delicious blue cheese dressing.
4) Now’s the time to get that scary job-eliminating hand tattoo you’ve always wanted!
5) Don’t drop the soap in the shower. Not because of that old canard about prison rape, oh no sir. It’s because the floors are filthy in prison*!
(*You know, because of all the unpleasantness.)
6) Inmates love the show Oz, so be sure to do improvised version of the theme song from 2-3 A.M. to make yourself a hit with your fellow prisoners.
7) Check your surroundings. Are you in a room filled with dogs locked in cages? If you are, odds are you’re in a kennel. Just speak English, let the employees know you’re a human and go free. You’re fellow kennelmates will be pissed about the Milkbones you have smuggled in your anal cavity and haven’t given up, but fuck them, you’re free now.
8) Be sure to sign up for your desired prison intramural team early. You don’t want to be a slowpoke and get stuck on Arthur The White Supremacist’s Fightin’ Aryans volleyball team. Not only are they the worst people on the planet, but their uniforms are teal to boot! Bleech!
9) Remember to not use up all your vacation time at once. You might want to take a month off to check out the Midwestern leg of Everclear’s current tour, but you only have 40 days off from prison that you can use in a year. So budget your time wisely.
10) When the Beyond Scared Straight crew comes to your prison, be sure to take a swing at one of the kids. Not only will you get on TV, you’ll also get to hang out with Candy Finnigan and Billy The Exterminator at the A&E Christmas party.
11) Don’t fill up on bread.
12) Bring a gun or a flaming sword or something. It’s like super dangerous in there.
Week 13 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Saints at Falcons There’s going to be a lot of shitball philosophizing about “respect” during the lead up to this game, so it’s probably for the best if you can avoid that. Man, I hate “respect” talk. I hate it more than I hate myself after I sing along to that new Prius jingle. (A crust of shame forms over my skin when I do the final set of hum hum hums. No amount of scrubbing can get that off my body.)
Week 13 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Cardinals at Jets The New York Jets are so terrible that they managed to be the most embarrassing thing at a football game where Lenny Kravitz was the halftime entertainment. That’s a Herculean feat.
Guests Videos Saying Junk No guest this week (I blame trade sanctions), so we’re rolling with videos in the place of blurbery. Guests Saying Junk will be back as a regular feature next week. Maybe with world famous dog author Rover O’Setter!