Aw NFL Naw returns for Week 7. Words getting barfed all over the screen. IT WILL BE A SLAM DUNK!
The Itch Of Withdrawal: My girlfriend’s parents were in town this week. This meant I missed out on watching all of the Week 6 games. It’s nice spending time with the pseudo in-laws, but to have games go on without me was fucking maddening. I guess I’m just an insignificant speck on this third tier planet and everything can happen without me awkwardly gesturing at it. (Or just checking back on it after a niche porn session that I snuck in while my girlfriend left to pick up something at the grocery store.) I checked the scores on my phone and it was like reading number puke. It’s almost as if football is just a celebrated leisure activity and nothing that takes place in the sport actually matters. Troubling stuff.
Presumably This Is What You’d Watch If Your Pregame Routine Didn’t Involve Drinking In A Mac’s Parking Lot: The one thing I did get to see NFL-wise this week? The Fox pregame show. YOU KNOW WHERE EVERYBODY GOOFS AROUND WE’RE HAVING SO MUCH MANLY FUN AND PREDICTING SO MA- (/kicks out chair under feet, enjoys a peaceful hanging instead)
I also saw a news story referencing Seahawks CB Richard Sherman’s U MAD BRO? tweet. That made my day. Brady responded in a radio interview saying: “My dad taught me at a young age to play with class and respect and give my opponents respect, and certainly I have a lot of respect for the Seahawks.” (/dismissive wanking gesture) “Class” is an overrated quality and the only people that get sweaty about it are creepazoids like Donald Trump. (“It’s a classy organization with lots of classy velour”, etc.) The NFL is a league where millionaires shorten each other’s life expectancy in exchange for money and exciting endorsement opportunities. Football is a goofy form of entertainment. It isn’t a weekly WWII statue dedication ceremony. More taunting, please. Shit, I’d be onboard for players reciting inflammatory sonnets about their opponents during commercial breaks. I borderline insist upon it.
Ad Break: If someone remade this Honda commercial as a modern day campaign ad, I would vote for that candidate no questions asked. (I’d also vote for a box of sour Gushers, if possible. I’m a dumbfuck.)
Bringing Canadian Elegance To Wegmans: “This is not the rehearsal.” That’s a thing I said to my reflection in a Niagara Falls, New York Rite Aid bathroom. “This is not the rehearsal.” I started off jokingly giving myself a psych-up speech before I went on a candy buying binge, but things go very real and very serious in a hurry. It wasn’t a fun speech anymore, it was a speech where I needed to get shit done. Inside that shitcaked pharmacy bathroom, I was goddamn Churchill. I exited the bathroom with a sense of regal dignity and proceeded to go to three locations (including Wegmans, which was very exciting) to buy over $100 worth of American junk food. If that sounds like a lot of money to spend on junk food, I assure you that the cost of amputating my foot will be much greater.
First observation: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are hot.
Second observation: Utz is the official potato chip of nightmarish growlers.
Third observation: This is how I’m spending my 20s. Most men over 90 spent their 20s risking their lives in The War.
Week 7 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Cardinals at Vikings Both Minnesota and Arizona are 4-2. After Week 7, one of these teams will be 5-2. Football can be weird cuckoo bananabread batshit crazy sometimes.
Additional Note: The Metrodome is just as much of a shithole in person as it looks like on TV. Which is saying something. On TV, the Metrodome looks like a place where all rays of hope and whimsy are bludgeoned to death with a lead pipe. It’s the same thing in person, only you can feel the humidity of the stadium’s despair on your skin. The Metrodome is almost as depressing as a half hour of Game On. (Either season.)
Week 7 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Browns at Colts Each week, Ron makes his predictions in the comments. I declare all his picks to be both the Lock of the Week and the Shoe-In of the Week. (Legal Note: Prairie Dog is not responsible for any disemboweling that comes at the hands of the Serbian mob as a result of Ron’s picks.) Also, I’m 80% sure that “Ron” is the nom de plume of economist Ronald Coase.
Guests Saying Junk: This week our guest is the delightful Wade Graham. He’s an exceedingly funny gentleman from Saskatoon and you should click on his name to get to following him on Twitter. Make them words dance, Wade.
Football is basically the last sport I’ll actually watch during the regular season. Even that is starting to wear thin. Way too much programming. I don’t care what Tim Tebow ate for breakfast. What I do care about is if he makes those special teams tackles.
I’m not even close to being as big a fan of sports as when I was younger. I mean, I would actually watch Rinkside on TSN. I’d watch hockey whenever I could. These days my only exposure to hockey are all the crappy Italian players that appear on the Being Frank Show.
Pro sports are at the point of overexposure. Give me your psuedo-sports. Roller Games, Slamball, Rollerjam, Scrabble, Hantis, the list goes on and on. Professional football could end tomorrow and I’ll be comfortable with that because I always know I can watch guys racing slot cars on Ustream.
Thanks Wade. Bring it on home, Jersey Central Power and Light!
Feel free to gab at Dan on Twitter or in the comments. If he were still living in Regina, he would go check out Red Hot Riot with Jayden Pfeifer on October 21. Or drink a bag of wine and try to fight a flaming punching bag. Maybe both!