Aw NFL Naw: Special Guest Star Edition & It Isn’t Markie Post Although I Did Ask Her (Week 13)

We’re now in Week 13 (the most 13 Dead End Drive friendly week of the season) and edging ever so closely into the whimsical world of almost-the-playoffs NFL football. Thanks Valhalla. Not only is that funtastic (a word I made up and now realize looks like a level 6 fungal infection), but this week I was able to wrangle in a special guest correspondent to talk about the Grey Cup Football Showdown Championship Playground Sponsored By Rona. So put on your reading goggles and check it out after the jump.

On Sunday I took in the magical majesty of the Grey Cup. Needless to say it was RADICALLY CANADIAN

GET READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL THAT’S AS RADICALLY CANADIAN AS THE TIME AMANDA MARSHALL DROPKICKED THE GHOST OF THE HALIFAX EXPLOSION INTO THE BILINGUAL SUN!!!

Anyway, I’m not an enormous CFL fan so I called in a favour and asked beloved comedian/CFL enthusiast Jayden Pfeifer to contribute his take on the Grey Cup. After some emails and veiled threats, he complied. Here it is, a Dog Blog exclusive.

Aw CFL Naw – A Special Grey Cup Report From Guest Columnist Jayden Pfeifer

The 99th Grey Cup was played this past Sunday, and boy did it ever do the polar opposite of disappoint. In fact, it vigourously appointed! There were several storylines circling around this highly anticipated game, all of which played out in grand and raccoon-fur coat fashion:

1. Could Winnipeg’s offence match their tenacious defence?

ANSWER: NO

– Despite their efforts, Buck Pierce the Blue Bombers offence rarely made it deeper than BC’s 30-yard line, often settling for field goals rather than touchdowns. Justin Palardy, WPG’s kicker, accounted for all of their scoring until the fourth quarter. At one point, he banked a kick off the goal post and in for 3 points. By rule, a plaster cast was immediately made of his foot, which will now be enshrined in the CFL “Hall of Moderately Interesting Happenings”.

2. Would BC Quarterback Travis Lulay live up to his 2011 MOP Status?

ANSWER: YES

– Despite some jitters in the first half (a condition common to “gingers”), Lulay conducted the BC offence with poise and confidence. WPG’s quick and punishing defensive front were no matter for his savvy. Lulay threw for over 300 yards and 2 touchdowns, earning himself the Grey Cup MVP crown. In addition to the obvious monetary benefits that come with this honour (including a fully stamped Fuddruckers VIP card and the keys to a slightly used KIA Sorento), Lulay can look forward to another bonus: Sweet Lovin’! Unbeknownst to most, the CFL recognizes its own form of the ancient Magistrate’s privilege ‘Prima Nocta’, which allows the winning QB of the Grey Cup to spend one night alone with a current Senator’s wife. Congrats Travis, and good luck!

3. Would the game be the blowout for BC most sports-knowers were predicting?

ANSWER: SORT OF

– The Lions dominated the first 3.5 quarters quite dominantedly, building a 31-9 lead. The much-touted WPG defence, though aggressive and stingy at times, had much of their “tout” knocked out of them. However, a couple shrewd coaching choices in the fourth quarter led to a short-lived Bomber resurgence. Firstly, Coach Paul LaPolice substituted QB Buck Pierce for anthem singer Jann Arden, whose cheeky attitude and respect for her mother helped sustain 2 late touchdown drives. LaPolice also summoned the purgatorial ghost of former Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenize King, in an effort to inspire and motivate his players, but King’s attempts to conscript the Bombers for military service failed to rally their spirits. The final score ended up 31-23, a score that looks far more respectable than perhaps the Blue Bombers deserve.

All in all, the 99th Grey Cup was an exciting, if predictable, installment of our nation’s great game. CFL fans can now look forward to an exciting offseason full of coaching changes, player transactions, all culminating in the 100th Grey Cup next November! In the centennial edition of the Grey Cup, points will count double, and the winning team will be allowed to murder any one person of their collective choosing. See you in 2012!

Jayden Pfeifer

@jaydenpfeifer and/or @3downs

My many thanks to the very funny and insanely talented  Jayden Pfeifer for giving his take on the Grey Cup. See Jayden in person and give him envelopes filled with your hopes and dreams on December 18th at Red Hot Riot with Jayden Pfeifer. There’s nothing in the world like Red Hot Riot, so go see it live you goofs!

Let’s Play Guns!: Balls to the criticism of Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson for his Plaxico Burress mocking touchdown dance.

I don’t think Johnson was revealing the Magician’s Secrets© by acknowledging Plaxico shot himself. If you can’t make fun of an opponent for shooting himself Cheddar Bob style in a club, what’s the point of living? If the NFL had their druthers, everyone would do that shitball “dunking on the uprights” thing that happens after 60% of touchdowns. I will concede that it might be in poor taste if Johnson is playing against the Redskins and after the touchdown DUIs a dude while wearing a Donté Stallworth jersey. Still, everybody calm down.

Johnson’s dropped passes in the fourth quarter was a bit of a bullet to the groin, though.

Additional Dudes Shooting Things Note: Josh Freeman injured his sprained thumb while at the firing range during the Bucs Bye/Do What You Feel Like Week back in early November. The Buccaneers have  been a bit of a mess since then and failed win a single game since October. Some people are blaming Tampa’s poor performance in part on Freeman’s thumb injury, but I believe the real issue was the injuries the club suffered at a team building exercise at the local brass knuckles punch practice facility.

So Ends The Tough Dad Leather Jacket Era: Jack Del Rio has been fired, which means the coaches in leather jackets era has temporarily ended. Bring on the coaches in Martian Manhunter costumes era! I’m looking at you, Tom Coughlin.

Week 13 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Falcons at Texans. The Texans have selected Jake Delhomme to back up T.J. Yates. I’m intrigued to see how this plays out. Probably with an interception making sweet love to a fumble.

Week 13 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Eagles at Seahawks. Don’t you fuck this up and watch the Philly/Seattle game instead of Community and Parks & Recreation. The Eagles are such a mess right now that we can’t even get schadenfreude porn thrills out of it. Fun Fact: Philadelphia and Seattle have the same record. Football is like crazy and shit.

11 Magazines I Would Love To Subscribe To (Aside From Black Tail, Which I Am Already A Subscriber Of)

1. Imagined Candy Bar Fiesta Illustrated

2. Plot Recaps Of Boy Meets World As Explained By Dogs With Speech Balloons

3. Scratch n’ Sniff Maclean’s

4. Hustler (For Men)

5. Tiger Beat Magazine (Not the popular teenybopper magazine, but a magazine for people that would like to train tigers to beat up their enemies. By having tigers not use their claws or biting techniques in their attacks, they would never be considered a suspect.)

6. Highlights For Directionless Twentysomethings

7. What Does Brian Setzer Look Like This Month?

8. Reader’s Digest: Minuscule Print Edition

9. Voyageur Erotica Today

10. Vault Weekly: The Magazine You Can Whisper Your Secrets In

11. Coupons For Garlic Bread Quarterly

Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. Also do not give him candy canes made out of penicillin for Christmas. He’s allergic to them.

Author: Dan MacRae

An Italian inventor often referred to as the father of long distance radio transmission. Known for his development of Marconi's law and his vocals in Love Inc.