It’s Week 8 of Aw NFL Naw. Or as it’s known in France: Mademoiselle de Maupin. (It’s a very loose translation.) Come check it out after the jump.
This Sunday, the Buffalo Bills will once again be playing at the Rogers Centre. This is because Toronto has been one flirtatious lil’ debutante when it comes to the NFL. It’s very important to me that the Bills never move to Toronto. (Which is a bit silly because I love watching the NFL and I’m in the process of moving to Toronto.) Have you ever watched any of the Canada-based Bills games? They’re a miserable viewing experience. The games take place at the SkyDome, which has the magical ability to make any athletic event seem like it’s taking place in the Parking Lot of the Damned. Although Buffalo is located near Toronto, the games still feel like neutral site contests that are watched primarily as curios. I’ve tuned in for all three games that took place in Toronto and I’m pretty sure I heard a grand total of five claps over that span. Two of them were sarcastic and directed at Marshawn Lynch. Best to keep the franchise in Buffalo.
If You Squint You Can Pretend You’re Looking At The Space Needle: I’m planning to move to Toronto on November 1st. Sadly, I have not yet acquired a place to stay. My current plan is to hide at the Bata Shoe Museum. I’d start out my stay by hiding behind the shoes, but afterwards I would try to pass as the ghost of the museum. The security guard would be scared at first, but afterward we would start to bond over bad jokes about Imelda Marcos and our shared fear of the Bata Shoe Museum Yeti. (The mythology of the Bata Shoe Museum is rich with feared creatures and friendly security guards.)
Full Discolsure: After typing Imelda Marcos, I Wikipedia’d Manila Luzon from RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Additional Additional Note Of Much Additionalness: I am unshakable in my belief that Dear Aunt Agnes has the best intro in the history of television. It aired on TvOntario which is a terrible way of tying it into this week’s column.
Tim Tebow Is The Greatest Quarterback In The History Of Time And The Bones Of Joe Montana Were Placed On Earth To Test Our Faith: Tim Tebow is not as shit as once imagined, but an overtime victory over a terrible Miami Dolphins team does not merit the level of journalistic ejaculate that came as a result. The Dolphins aren’t 0-7 because they are amazing at retaining leads. The Dolphins are 0-7 because team mascot Snowflake has been stolen from Miami’s practice facility and it’s up to an eccentric pet detective to get the creature back home before the Dolphins lose the Super Bowl due to the dolphin’s absence. Wait, that can’t be right.
There’s About To Be A What? Coach Fight: Rex Ryan and Norv Turner were pissy with each other before the Chargers/Jets game yesterday. Ryan mocked Turner’s inability to win with the Chargers loaded roster and Turner in turn made fun of Ryan’s Super Bowl proclamations. Neither of the coaches punched the other in the face. The season of coach fight disappointment continues. Just act like you’re both managers of 1890s baseball clubs and solve your problems with pistol duels or battery acid attacks. Show some real leadership, goddamnit.
Week 8 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Browns at 49ers. You should probably watch the Pats/Steelers game, but odds are you wouldn’t like it. Sure, that game will likely be exciting and full of athleticism and longwinded stories about adversity*, but there’s just too much unpleasantness going on. There isn’t joy in watching the Patriots or Steelers succeed. Only resentment, irritation and questions about whether or not Brady has to watch Taxi and praise Gisele Bündchen’s acting. Nuts to that. You’ll have a lot more fun watching Alex Smith and Colt McCoy trying to not actively fuck things up for an hour instead of struggling through closeup shots of Belichick making moody misunderstood teen faces.
*”Adversity” is TV code for “we as a broadcast team are not going to acknowledge the horrible Horrible HORRIBLE things Ben Roethlisberger has done even though we probably should. Seriously, what a creep.”
Week 8 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Chargers at Chiefs. Shouldn’t you be out Trick Or Treating or crying at a house party while dressed like a monster or something that night?It’s Halloween! You can dress up like anything you want any day of the year (thanks War of 1812!), but on Halloween you won’t get guff for it. You can even dress up like your Mom and do household chores while wondering while your child doesn’t call as often as they should. Y’know, just have a blast is what I’m saying.
Hockey Grumble Link Nonsense: I went on for a bit about ice hockey at Bite. I’m posting a link to it because I have all these spare hyperlinks that I need to use before they expire. (Check the expiration date of your hyperlinks.) Link!
Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He once went as The Ultimate Warrior for Halloween and was furious that senior citizens did not know who The Ultimate Warrior was.