Hello Prairie Dog kittens. It’s time for this week’s Aw NFL Naw. Come frolic with me and my not particularly insightful insight after the jump.
In “the past”, men and women couldn’t simply watch National Football League games on television. They were too busy untying dames from railroad tracks and combing their hair to match their current economic state. Past people had to read about the results of sporting events in the newspaper or call on the “score zeppelin” man to float by their town. The games were played, the people in the stadium knew the result and the rest of the country waited to learn about the outcome through the radio, newspaper or alternate means. On Sunday, I lived the nightmare that was “the past”. It was incredibly unpleasant.
The place I moved to has a television, but there’s no cable, satellite or digital receiver. I had access to zero games and I’m the sort of guy that gets the Tullycraft discography beaten out of him when he walks into a sports bar. I had to rely on my computer (the “score zeppelin” of today) to give me the results and binge watch torrented episodes of The League instead. It wasn’t a terrible way to spend an afternoon, after all The League is great and I chose to eat a big greasesoaked box of Popeye’s chicken, but I missed the games and have little to report back to you, the reader. So this Aw NFL Naw is going to be a bit football content lite this week. I’ll be streaming games this week and will go back to providing more of the ill-informed football commentary you have tolerated from me for the past couple of months.
Andy Reid’s Frustration Crackles Off His Mustache: I did manage to watch a chunk of the Monday Night Football game between the Eagles and the Bears. It was through a European stream of ESPN, which would often feature a station ID that was just a fancy cinematic shot of a referee’s hat, followed by a football being clutched. It was arty and terrifying. I also listened to the Winnipeg Jets game on the (internet) radio yesterday. I ate canned pasta and drank a Cherry Coke while listening to the first period. It was like something from a different time. I was worried Brian Mulroney would interrupt the broadcast to say we were declaring war against Prince Edward Island. (Note: I don’t know what the Charlottetown Accord is and that was my best guess.)
Indianapolis Colts? More Like Indianapolis Eric Stoltz, Am I Right? No, I’m Not? That’s Fair: The Colts are terrible and the question is arising of what will happen if they get the first overall pick. Will they trade Manning and draft Stanford tall person Andrew Luck? Will they trade the pick for a bevy (bevy!) of players and picks? Will they keep Manning and draft Luck? Will Mountain Dew redo their special flavour vote? So many questions arise, although the last one really is more about soda politics. My real concern with a possible Manning trade (he’s earned it, if he wants it), is that he might end up with a weird fitting team. The idea of Manning in a Rams, Bears or Vikings jersey, is jarring to the spirit. There’s something shitty inside me that wants players to stay with their team for life. I think it might be tied up in the concept of sports conservatism, that Chuck Klostermann wrote about many a yonder past. There’s something charming about Manning’s doofusy charm being tied up in Indianapolis. It feels right.
The Election: I leave town for one week and that happened? The fuck? (Not sure if this is about the provincial election or the Mountain Dew thing again. Probably both.)
Dolly Parton, You Know How I Do: Today I went to a job interview that was one of those “parade of red flags” type job interviews. I’m desperate for a job (Did you know McDonalds only accepts online applications? I didn’t.), so I’ve been applying for a whole slate of questionable positions. Just vague positions that have to do with “customer service” and putting in writing that you’re “not a cop, because you have to tell me if you are”. Yesterday I went to a preliminary interview where I basically just had to agree that I would go to a second interview. All I knew was that I would be helping a water heater company with their customers and that I would sometimes be going to residences to assist with that. That was cool by me. Actually, it wasn’t, but I’m desperate for dough and I’m not pretty enough to hustle out on the streets.
Today’s interview wasn’t really an interview. It was more of a gathering of pleasant 20 and 30somethings wedged into the main area of the business (located in a depressing North York office building), where we would learn about the new job that we had now been hired for just by showing up. I saw a Wheel Of Fortune style wheel that was clearly used for bonuses. I’ve seen those before at the saddest of the sad call centres. Those places normally have government warnings placed on the wall after the company faced a lot of legal action for unsafe working practices and loose rules about employees getting burned on their genitals by their manager’s cigarettes. (red flag) The guy running the interview/meeting/waitwhathappened started off by telling us to walk to the back of the room and look at the paycheques. We did (I did mostly to be polite) and we got the “have you ever made that much money before” speech. (red flag) It was something that I imagine happens in those Rich Dad seminars where the local Kirk Van Houtens compare notes about how they attempted to borrow a feeling. We got the aggressive pitch of how much money we could make in one week. Some people in the room had actually made “that much money” in a week, but played along because it’s not good to interrupt someone that imagines their life mirrors the exciting bits from Boiler Room. I spent the meeting hearing about how we need to go to non-customers houses (red flag), go to their basement (red flag) and tell them to buy our “government approved” water heater (red flag). And who wouldn’t want to invite a mystery man from the street to corner them in their basement and pressure them into a buying water heater to meet “government” regulations? (red flag) Our orientation guru dropped the term “retarded” a lot (red flag) while explaining how we would be going door to door tomorrow. I sat through the meeting, wrote down fake notes and looked at the security camera in the main room. (red flag) I’m going to double check to see if McDonalds got my online application.
More Job Talk Stuff: I tried applying for a few drug testing studies, but the hours are kind of shit. Boxing Day? You want me to prostitute my health on Boxing Day? If I’m going to be coughing up a mutated spleen for the sake of science, you can at least give me Boxing Day off. I’m really prissy this week, aren’t I?
Week 10 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Giants at 49ers. This seems like a good space to discuss the film Big Fan. It’s great. Right, that should do.
Week 10 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Redskins at Dolphins. Fun Fact: The mascots on Washington and Miami’s helmets are facing the same way. That’s probably something the Masons decided upon.
I’ll Have To Catch Up On Top Model Later This Evening: I’m all giggly because I’m going to the Found Footage Festival vs. Found Magazine event taking place at Toronto’s The Royal tonight. I’m posting a Found Footage Festival clip before I gallivant into the wilderness.
Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He does not care for the milk packaging in Ontario. The font is a bit “Serbian work camp” and there’s a weird emphasis on drawings of people that look like they are from Protect And Survive nuclear safety pamphlets.