Aw NFL Naw: Turning Postseason Dreams Into Misery Paste (Week 17)

Week 17 (the final week of the regular season and of my probation) kicks off this Sunday. Aw NFL Naw is ready for you after the jump with half-formed analysis and the laziest semen-based jokes in the Western Hemisphere. If your team has failed to make the playoffs, you’re allowed to skip this week’s column and spend 30 minutes using MS Paint. Please mail in your results if you choose to go the MS Paint route. Please make something that isn’t a penis or something that promotes race hate. MS Paint has been abused that way for far too long.

The Regular Season Will Die So The Playoffs Can Live: The last week of the regular season is always bittersweet. The playoffs are coming, but at what cost? It’s the last week we get a full slate of games and can project all kinds of nonsense onto every single team. Also, it means the end of fantasy football (thanks for pouring concrete in my team’s dickhole, Hakeem Nicks), which hurts the pleasant delusion that the outcome of the game could demonstrate how brilliant you are. The playoffs always have a similar slate of teams you hate (Patriots, Steelers, Packers, SPECTRE), playing games against teams you either hate or tolerate. I’ll watch the Packers play the Cowboys and hear Joe Buck drone on about tradition and guys with “heart” (note: not in a cool Captain Planet way), but I won’t like it.

Men Talking To Men About Their Feelings, Hopes And Dreams. Plus There Might Be A Cheer At The End: There are multiple scenarios this week where teams face a must win game. I used to pretend that I would have an amazing speech prepared if I were a coach. I’d imagine I was talking about Gilbert & Sullivan or Hannibal crossing the alps and correlating it team strategy and individual motivation. I gave this weird daydream up when I actually saw footage of coach’s speeches. Coach’s speeches always look incredibly dull yet manage to be incredibly loud, achieving a terrifying loud dullness.. The content is about wanting to win and stuff, but not that much more. Sometimes players will chime in and say “let’s get it boys” or “yaaaaaaah!”, which isn’t really adding anything. Maybe you don’t need fancy words when your goal is to maneuver or keep away a ball that awards points to those that put it in a magic rectangle.

Speech I Would Provide For A Team In A “Must Win” Situation

RAWR!!! (/ocelot swipe) RAWR!!! RAWR!!! Look, you’re all adults that are getting paid handsomely to play football, just do it reasonably well and make a point not to get paralyzed out there. And if you win or go unparalyzed, I’m buying pizza pie for the entire team! RAWR!!! on three. 1-2-3-RAWR!!!-E-O Speedwagon!

I Was Wrong About Cam Newton, I Am Still Right About Fig Newtons: In Week 1, I mocked the potential of Cam Newton. In my defense, how was I supposed to know that a player that was good in college would turn out to be good in the pros? I’m not some type of football genius from beyond the moon that owns intergalactic future insight gel! Maybe I should have taken into account Newton’s friendship with team mascot Sir Purr. Knighted felines always have the best advice. (They were key in negotiating the end of “wife selling” in 18th Century England.) I would also like to concede that I was wrong about Tim Tebow, the nutritional value of strawberry Mentos and about which dinosaur would make the best business partner. Triceratops? What was I thinking?

Here’s a picture of Sir Purr.

Fantastic.

Week 17 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers:Cowboys at Giants. Winner makes it into the playoffs, loser has their state-of-the-art stadium filled with unsold Bulletproof Monk DVDs. (It’s a secret high stakes bet between the owners. Shhh! Don’t tell poor people.) The Giants were sloppy in their defeat of the Jets and the Cowboys were dreadful in their loss to the Eagles. It’s not as sexy of a match-up as it could be, but there’s postseason intrigue and some red hot Jason Pierre-Paul action, so skip your Sunday night NA meeting and watch division rivals division rivaling for your affection and for some playoff bonus money.

Week 17 Game To Not Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Seahawks at Cardinals. Marshawn Lynch enjoying Skittles makes this game must watch for me, but probably not for you.

Internal Monologue: Marshawn Lynch is someone I admire because he’s powered by rainbow candy spheroids. I so relate to that. If he gets aroused while eating Baby Ruth bars too, I’m going to invest in bunk beds. You’re earned my respect, candy-eater for a middling NFC West franchise.

If That’s All There Is My Friends, Then Let’s Keep Dancing: Thanks for letting me hang out with you this NFL season. Maybe I can adapt this column for the playoffs or to review porn or to review the porn playoffs. Either way, thanks for being an NF-pal. Here’s some Crash Test Dummies for no reason.

Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He  also has strong opinions about Clark bars.

Author: Dan MacRae

An Italian inventor often referred to as the father of long distance radio transmission. Known for his development of Marconi's law and his vocals in Love Inc.

33 thoughts on “Aw NFL Naw: Turning Postseason Dreams Into Misery Paste (Week 17)”

  1. Dan, if it’s any consolation, Cam Newton was wrong about you, too. He didn’t think this column would make it to Week 17.

  2. “Just because a guy is funny in Regina doesn’t mean he’s gonna be funny in Winnipeg.”
    — Cam Newton

  3. January 1, 2012. NFL game outcome guesses.

    Home Away Upsets

    MIA WAS DAL
    NO SF SD
    HOU BAL TBAY
    JAC SEA DET
    NE CLE
    CHI
    KC

  4. Geez, you break a story about a guy’s history with boosters and all of a sudden he doesn’t want to heartily endorse my blog posts. I thought we were pals, Cam.

    7 Other Things I’ve Been Wrong About:
    1. Deep Blue Something’s long term career prospects.
    2. My decision to not see the doctor during the summer I had scurvy.
    3. The identity of the person that killed Abraham Lincoln (once again I apologize to Colin James for accusing him of the murder and claiming he owns a time machine fueled by evil).
    4. Pepsi Blue
    5. Poison insurance.
    6. Being afraid of odd numbers in certain situations.
    7. Not investing in the Colin James Time Machine Project.

  5. Sorry, Ron. I don’t follow. Are you saying the Bears and Chiefs are at home, and the Browns are on the road?

  6. I look forward to using this picks for gambling purposes and later for explaining why my thumbs are broken purposes.

  7. Wow!! SEVEN upsets?! In one week?! I’m gonna give the networks a heads-up. NFL history is about to be made!!

  8. I watched that Lions game on Saturday and while I’m happy for Detroit, I couldn’t help but feel it had the atmosphere of the footage from one of those A & E Investigative Reports or Cold Case Files from Detroit or New Orleans where all the bystanders are crazy eff’ed on angel dust standing around in the dark while the crooked cops investigative the slain corpse some local 11-yr-olds found in the neighbourhood dumpster. It was WEIRD… Go Lions.

  9. I’m not exactly raking in the cash. I am earning minimum wage at a call centre though. I need those thumbs!

    Talbot, I feel the same way when I watch Home Improvement. I think it might be a Detroit thing.

    Ford Field is just hideous on television, isn’t it?

  10. Ford Field, is that what it is? It just gave off that late ’70s to early ’90s fuzzy look. I actually thought they were back in the Silverdome, or maybe Tiger Stadium with a roof on it. I wikipedia’d Ford Field that evening to find out what the deal is. I grew up with Detroit cable and images of the Rodney King beating seared into me mind, so maybe that’s what I’m channeling. It just looked wrong.

  11. Not to confuse the LAPD’s gang spank of King with WDIV’s nightly footage of knife victims being pulled out of dumpsters.

  12. Oh, for heaven’s sake, it’s only a game.

    (Yates made it sound like you were lighting cigars with $20 bills.)

  13. I miss Detroit affiliates. There was something unique and exciting about their in-between promos. I still live by the code of WDIV’s “Go For It” ethos.

    I wish I could light $20 bills. I’m broke and I’m not good looking to pull it off as a lifestyle choice.

  14. What Dan needs is a corporate sponsor. Now, you may need to censor certain material, but the cocktail parties are to die for.

  15. Maybe a pizza company with franchises across the continent. “Ladies and gentlemen, before I proceed to the next joke, I’d like to take a moment to thank the folks at Dominos’s …” Or do you think this would make him an easy target for hecklers?

  16. “Before I continue, I’d like to thank my parents, the almighty, the love of my life, Carol…but most of all, my corporate sponsor, Dominos, without whom I would be nowhere. Don;t forget, for a limited time only, 3, 3-topping mediums, with cheesy bread, and a 2-litre bottle of Coke, all for just $20.12, a new year’s special. Now, on with our show!”

  17. “…Oh, but before I forget, a special ‘word up’ to our regional Dominos rep, Dave, out there in the audience for a good time, and to make sure I don;t make any pizza jokes, yuk-yuk, or jokes about Contras or Sandanistas. Dave, Everybody!!”

  18. I’m intrigued by this Domino’s proposition and I would like to say I believed in their company all along. Even before the terrifying commercials where they begged you to reconsider what you originally thought of their pizza.

    Note: I had Pizza Pizza last month and it was like tasting a poorly congealed nightmare.

  19. Not according to my research. Also, I’m learning to measure the quality of a pizza chains by the defenceman that endorses it.

  20. Well, you’ve been a great audience, folks, but it’s time to move on, to other people, other things.
    Thank you very much, and farewell.

  21. Wow, you are taking the death of Chop Chop hard. I must have really missed out! There’s always Wing Machine with its deeply upsetting muscular chicken mascot.

  22. @ Dan #26,

    That doesn’t surprise me. While I’ve never been a huge fast food connoisseur, I have noticed that the quality of just about every fast food has plummeted, from McDonk’s to Burger King to Wendy’s, to the pizza places. Oh, and A&W.

    Nick, don;t go!

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