*jumps out of an oil drum* It’s an all new Aw NHL Naw! *crawls back into the oil drum of surprise*
Think Tank: In the Spring, a young man’s (and woman’s) fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Specifically, the love of a high draft pick and saying FUCK IT *hits desk with a baseball bat* LET’S TANK THIS SHITSCAB OF A SEASON! *burns a filing cabinet, descends into madness, cry-sings “You Get What You Give”*
That’s right, the playoff stretch is here and it’s time to get all splooshy about the prospect that your favourite team might lose all their games, get a sweet draft pick and have that draft pick lead your club to multiple Stanley Cup victories and adopt your kids AND RAISE THEM RIGHT or whatever. Tanking the season is a sexy fantasy (like making sweet love to a mummy with a big ass!), but it’s also dangerous. It’s like a game of Press Your Luck where Alexandre Daigle is the whammy and you have to put your trust in the GM, scouting staff and execs that put your shitball team in the lottery position to begin with.
Right now, the Jets are in a position where they could win a preemie weak Southeast Division (because life’s silly and dude I don’t fucking know how this is happening) and I still have a slight tinge of desire to see the club self destruct and try for Seth Jones. I’m a dummy dumb burger with extra cheese for wanting this to happen. The sensible thing for me to do is go with what 99% of my Popeye’s damaged heart is feeling and pray the club doesn’t collapse. Besides, there’s a good chance that the Flames might trade away the #1 pick for two Humpty’s franchises and a copy of 8 Seconds on VHS.
Ad Break: Wayne Gretzky oozes sex appeal, doesn’t he?
Islands In The Stream: I want to tip my hat to the folks that run sites that stream live sporting events. Not only do they provide a valuable (and I’m sure completely legal) service, but they also have the same pop up ads you get from seedy porn aggregators. The other day I was checking in on the Caps/Lightning game and had a pop up that read “DO YOU WANT TO MEET 24 YEAR OLD WOMEN THAT NEED DICK IN YOUR AREA?” which I thought was a weird age to fetishize. WHAT ALARMINGLY SPECIFIC DATA DO YOU HAVE ON ME? DO YOU THINK I’M INTO GRAD STUDENT AGED WOMEN BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY PUT ON NATALIE MERCHANT WHEN MY FIANCE’S OUT OF THE HOUSE? WHY CAN’T I GET ADS FOR SITES FEATURING VIDEOS OF DUDES CUMMING INTO ABANDONED SWIMMING POOLS LIKE A NORMAL GUY? Gah.
Speaking of porny type things, I want to thank the inventor of the internet (Dr. Gerald Internetbaum III) for allowing me to windowshop fetishes. I imagine in the pre-internet days, if you wanted to explore a fetish you would a) have to do it b) join some sort of a club c) fill out a form with a minister. In 2013, I get to be a looky-loo and watch videos of fetish things before deciding if I want to buy a tarp and make a weekend of it. Is CFNM for me? Good news, I can crack open a box of Crunch n Munch, watch a video and take ‘er for a test toast. (Turns out it’s not for me, but Crunch n Munch sure as shit is.) Sure, I look like a guy that’s into hentai, but it’s nice being able to sample the wares before dropping $50 on a DVD. JOI sounds neat, but is there a version where I don’t get yelled at? There is? Please accept this gratitude bouquet, internet! That’s the sort of convenience that kicks the ass of any jetpack.
Have a rich butterscotchy hockeynanny this week.
Hang out with Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He’s a Soul Man.
