Aw NHL Naw: Huffing Zamboni Fumes

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Hey, it’s a Mario Lemieux Hockey‘s Bob Smith! Time to throw on your sock garters. It’s an all new Aw NHL Naw.

Hawk Sparrer: The 2013 Chicago Blackhawks are good at ice hockey. Scary good at the moment. Like NHL 94 Hawks on Sega Genesis levels of good. (I’m pretty sure I saw a number of highlights of Hawks games where Patrick Kane was skating around inside a star with “88 R” trailing him.) As I type this, the Blackhawks have not lost a game in regulation time yet. And that’s why I imagine it’s a terrifying time to be a Chicago Blackhawks fan at the moment.

Success can feel fucking terrifying as a hockey fan. *searches for stock joke about Leafs fans feeling confident all the time* There’s so much worry bukkake infused in this streak. “Don’t you know the Presidents Trophy fucks up your chances?” “How do we live in a world where ‘Dan Carcillo heroics’ are a thing?” “When will Corey Crawford crash down to earth and take out several innocent civilians in the process?”, etc. The Hawks could go through the season with zero regulation losses (charity point nonsense ahoy!) and the whole affair would still have a “when is the Jenga tower gonna collapse” aura about it.

Maybe I’m wrong on this. Blackhawks fans are probably soaking this up and using their feelings about the streak to batter their food and stuff. Has Vince Vaughan popped back in to the United Center yet? JUST FUCKING HATE YOURSELVES AND LIVE IN PERPETUAL LOATHING ALREADY LIKE THE REST OF US, DAMMIT! DON’T YOU SEE THAT THIS IS JUST A PYRAMID SCHEME MASTERMINDED BY JONATHAN TOEWS TO GET YOU IN A MENNONITE SOAP BUYING FRENZY?

The Lonely Island: Speaking of ice hockey good-at-it-ness, does anyone else feel bad for John Tavares? I mean, I have it on good authority that Tavares is compensated for his services in U.S. currency and not Charles Wang New York Islanders FunBux, but it is just plain heartbreaking watching the dude use his talent to carry the Isles on his back. It’s like Wolverine slumming it with Alpha Flight or Nightcrawler hanging out with Excalibur. There’s more important work coming to you in the future, John. Y’know, provided that bits of Nassau Coliseum do not collapse on you and your hands aren’t gnawed off by rats while you’re trapped under a rotting arena rafter chunklet.

(In the clunky Excalibur analogy, Travis Hamonic is Meggan.)

Ad Break starring Lanny McDonald: Classic Ardell, am I right?

Allow me to re-introduce myself: Last week, I went on a big ol’ yip yap yahoo callooh callay ramble about the Canucks going with a Japandroids song as the team’s entrance music for a pair of home games. The experiment has wrapped up (the team was 1-1 in games using the song) and “The House That Heaven Built” will now be placed in a rotation of intro songs for home games. The songs that lost the vote will probably get a shot too because hockey arena DJs get super splooshy for Volbeat’s “A Warrior’s Call” even though it’s a track that sucks infected struggling-to-clot ass.

Over the weekend, I fell into a weird rabbithole of checking out what each NHL team used for entrance music. I put somewhere between eight to twelve hours of time (usually reserved for pornography and eating frozen corn) into trying to sort out what songs each team used. That meant plowing through a lot of cellphone fan videos on YouTube. MOVE OVER, JOAN COLLINS! I AM THE NEW MAYOR OF GLAMOURSYVANIA!

Here’s what I learned during all my NHL entrance music looky-looery:

1) NHL arena DJs fucking luuuuuurrrrrrrve Jet Black Stare’s “Ready To Roll

2) Jet Black Stare’s “Ready To Roll” is just one big mucusy dump of a song that should be promptly shot in the back in the head to send a message to other songs that sound like it.

3) Watching Detroit’s Al the Octopus being lowered to the sounds of U2’s “Where The Streets Have No Name” scared the hell out of me. (What’s your horrifying secret, smug octopus mascot?)  That said, I’m sure it’s a combo that ticks all the right fetish boxes for a small group of people out there. They’re probably all named Mitch, if I were a wagering fella.

4) I’m not a Stones guy, but the Sabres coming out to “Street Fighting Man” is a nice fit. It also makes it seem like everyone on the team is going to embark on a long motorcycle ride after the game to finally meet their estranged dads. Dramatic!

5) Pantera wrote a song for the Dallas Stars called “Puck Off”. The title’s sorta like “Fuck Off”, but not. Also, the song is mostly just riffs and shouts of “DALLAS!” “STARS!” *chugs McEwans out of a sunbleached Double Gulp cup, wonders what the hell I’m doing with my life*

6) Colorado uses Dick Dale’s “Scalped” instead of one of Jonathan Roy’s many hits BECAUSE LOYALTY TO PATRICK ROY MEANS NOTHING TO THOSE GUYS DOES IT?

7) Chicago uses Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold” the moment the team hits the ice because…life is full of garbage sometimes? I don’t know. Ministry wrote an okayish theme song for the Blackhawks a while back and it comes complete with some endearingly doofusy lyrics. I’m more of a fan of their early 80s stuff, myself. (“Work For Love” or GTFO)

8) Every team in the league should immediately switch their entrance music to Amon Amarth’s “Twilight of the Thunder God“.

ENTRANCE BLABBIN’ CONCLUDED

Have a good hocking this week and R.I.P. Stompin’ Tom Connors.

Hang out with Dan on Twitter or in the comments. Annie, he’s not your daddy.

Author: Dan MacRae

An Italian inventor often referred to as the father of long distance radio transmission. Known for his development of Marconi's law and his vocals in Love Inc.

3 thoughts on “Aw NHL Naw: Huffing Zamboni Fumes”

  1. I always print this column out to toss it in my clothes dryer so my towels and linens have a fresh comedy scent with delightful tinge of hockey goodness. Keep it up, Dan!

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