*twirl* *twirl* *twirl* It’s an all new Aw NHL Naw. *twirl* *twirl* *twirl*
Juelz Santana, Lil Wayne and Brooks Orpik present I Can’t Feel My Face: Sidney Crosby’s face exploded on Easter Saturday against the Islanders. (Like from a Brooks Orpik slap shot to smilehole. Not from a Dempster’s allergy or Timbits poisoning or anything like that.) It looked maximum gross and it’s the sort of thing that’s going to get fetishized in meme form. Oh and those memes are going to suck.
Crosby taking a puck to the mouth is one of those things that hockey fans point to and start barking shit like MAXIMUM TOUGH or THESE COLOURS DON’T RUN or SHUT UP DAD YOU CAN’T OUTPUNCH ME, etc. It’s fun to bask in the rugged rough n’ tumble none-more-tough mystique for a little bit, but really all this “hockey is the toughest” shit has got to stop. Hockey’s a brutal game, but there are more brutal sports (rugby, boxing, tennis with guns) out there. Shit, there are loads of dudes and dudettes that play sports without health insurance. Slamball players? They were risking death everyday as they bounced up a storm to earn enough dough to feed their kids. That’s danger, man.
Also, I’m sick of that “look at them basketball pusswads” or “those baseball wussbags are crybabies” nonsense that always pops up on Facebook where people dickswing about how long an injury keeps an athlete out of the lineup in hockey versus other sports: “YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WHEN JOHN KORDIC DIED? HE SHOWED UP THE NEXT SEASON AS A GHOST AND FUCKIN’ TOOK PROBERT TO SCHOOL!” Taking time out to rehab an injury doesn’t make you a coward, it makes you someone that wants to make sure that your skeleton isn’t fucked up forever. Calm the fuck down, hockey fans.
Goofballs Doing Them Hockey Employee Swap-Em-Ups: The trade deadline has passed. *blows on conch shell, wraps Ville Leino in a blanket before banishing him into the forest* As usual, it was pretty dull. The Leafs won the Ryan O’Byrne sweepstakes! Hope you didn’t cum on anything too valuable when that news broke. FAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTT. I’m pretty sure the first three hours of TSN’s deadline day coverage was just a lynx with a question mark painted into its fur being allowed to roam free in the studio.
Speaking of TSN’s coverage, Mike Milbury popped up like six times during the broadcast. What did I ever do to you, TSN? Are you trying to punish me for not watching Guys TV when you trotted that horseshit out? For fuck’s sake, having Milbury give trade analysis is like hiring Budd Dwyer to give how to not shoot yourself in the mouth analysis. F’real, Milbury is about as horrible as the ads for JustFab. It’s a charge I do not throw around lightly.
Things picked up a bit in the last hour, which was nice. Gaborik to Columbus! Filip Forsberg to Nashville for Erat and Latta! My hangover was swapped for some Gatorade and discreet shower jerking! It was a real tidal wave of mild thrills.
WrestleMania Week Video Interlude: Quite possibly the only time that Mr. Perfect no sold offense.
The Rock & Roll Dubble Bubble Trading Card Company of Philadelphia 19141: Is there a reason why Philadelphia is such a horrorshow city for goalies? Like is the Wells Fargo Center made out of Warlock bones or something? That’s the only theory that makes sense to me. On deadline day, the Flyers picked up STEVE FUCKING MASON from the Blue Jackets. Ever since the start of his sophomore season, the poor guy has been playing like a dude that’s never not in the middle of a Vietnam War flashback. I’m worried that playing in Philadelphia will lead to Mason bursting into flames midway through his fifth start. Gah!
Have the hottest of hockey hockels this week.