Aw NHL Naw: Skate and/or Die

Time for another round of Aw NHL Naw. Aw NHL Naw: Your go-to source for Darren Pang erotic fan fiction!

Triple Corpse Low 5: There’s a special circle in Hell just for the stylized low fivers! Or something like that. Canadiens coach Michel Therrien banned PK Subban and Carey Price from doing their silly lil’ bit of glove touching because it takes away from the team and that’s time that could be spent saluting the fans cuz’ fans prefer the Borg to Captain Jean Luc Picard or whatever.

Why do you hate fun, hockey? Do you have to go through some sort of terrible manic pixie dream girl type thing to at least consider joy? I will suffer through that annoying trope with you if that’s what’s needed to wedge fun into the equation. Heck, I’ll even kidnap the sport, inject a syringe of whimsy in its neck (not a sex thing) and arrange a quirky abandoned mall picnic just for Hockey and an enchanting woman whose name references a Bunnygrunt song* if that’s what it takes. JUST LOOK INTO THIS “FUN” THING, YOU SOUR BASTARD OF A SPORT! QUIT PRETENDING THAT JEREMY ROENICK IS THE PINNACLE OF ENTERTAINMENT!

(*I like Bunnygrunt and abandoned malls. I’m just going with things that seem like they’re up next in the manic pixie dream girl trait on deck circle.)

Oh you know me? You know about Sharks?: The San Jose Sharks are currently undefeated in 60 minute play. I know, I’m surprised too. My brain has sort of scrambled them up into a weird blur of names (Thornton, Couture, um Pat Falloon?) and coloured over them in Early Playoff Exit crayon smudges. Do I have to pay attention to them? Probably not, eh? I’m going to keep kinda ignoring them for a while. That’s always worked out well in the past.

Meet the Gretz: I stumbled upon this Wayne Gretzky ProStars card online and my brain immediately turned into confetti. Put on your finest card goggles and get a good ganderin’ in. It’s like having your eyes massaged by an eclipse.

The card has Wayne Gretzky holding a ProStars card (featuring Wayne Gretzky) and offering a friendly thumbs up. HE APPROVES OF HIS OWN EXISTENCE AND LIFE CHOICES! *brain chunks exploding everywhere* It is an amazing thing to try and process. It’s the Krusty Poses For Trading Card Photo card but in real life!

For those of you unfamiliar with Pro Stars, it was an animated series where Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson used their athletic powers to foil evil. Gretzky was the food-obsessed wisecracker, because…saturday morning cartoons are hard to write sometimes.

Iceland doesn’t need this shit: *opens umbrella for impending shit storm*

8 of the Many Reasons Why I Hate D2: The Mighty Ducks 2

1) Why is Iceland the bad guy? FUCK YOU COUNTRY WITH A POPULATION THE SIZE OF LEXINGTON KENTUCKY (BUT NOT THE METRO AREA BECAUSE THAT’D BE TOO BIG)! Tremble before the might of a tiny country that has minimal hockey experience! The U.S. could have played Russia or Canada (we can be total dicks when it comes to hockey) or  Germany (cuz y’know The War) or a made-up country called Freedom Haters Inc. and it would have been less jarring. Was the director viciously beaten with Sugarcubes figurines as a child? That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

2) This go around they have a figure skater! Wait, didn’t they have a figure skater in the first movie? Actually, didn’t they have two? WE WILL MOURN YOU TOMMY AND TAMMY DUNCAN! (There’s like five characters from the first movie that didn’t come back, including Jesse Hall’s brother. Those are some harsh cuts Coach Bombay.)

3) Hendrix is the least evil corporate sponsor in the history of film. They’re sponsoring a junior hockey team at the Jr. Goodwill Games for what appears to be almost entirely altruistic reasons. Just a little bit of brand exposure in exchange for giving a stupid amount of money to a youth team in a sorta fringe sport. How do you get mad at Hendrix’s tentacles getting into Team USA when they’re trying to pamper a squatload of obnoxious fart huffing children? It’s those fuckface kids that are the villains here. Your business model is flawed, Hendrix. Invest in something other than Portman’s mouth-breathing antics.

4) Trinidad & Tobago: We’re whatever stereotypes this movie needs us to be!

5) ON ICE LASSO THUGGERY IS DANGEROUS! THAT’S HOW HOWIE MORENZ DIED!

6) Jesus fucking Christ Iceland, it’s called a “forecheck”. When a goalie takes off his mask to tough talk you and spend 20 seconds setting up a thing called a “knucklepuck”, that’s when you put in at least a smidgen of pressure on the guy with the puck. That’s why you were never drafted, Gunnar Stahl. Zero hustle.

7) The Poorboys cover of “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” is quite possibly the worst piece of recorded music in the history of time. (And I’ve listened to a phonograph cylinder featuring a stable boy being garroted by a whistling French dandy!)

8) Nuts to the Anaheim jerseys. If you’re not going to wear the USA sweaters (treason!), it’s green Duckworth era jerseys or GTFO.

Have a good hockeying.

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Author: Dan MacRae

An Italian inventor often referred to as the father of long distance radio transmission. Known for his development of Marconi's law and his vocals in Love Inc.