Apologies in advance: I go on a bit of a ramble about Mountain Dew this week.
This Is A Low(e): Congratulations Edmonton, you now have new blood in the GM position. More accurately recycled blood (Craig MacTavish) that’s still gonna be working under Kevin Lowe. Oh and Scott Howson’s back too. Who doesn’t want some hot failed Columbus GM action right now? Get dem griddles out! To sum up: congrats Edmonton, things are still a mess.
It makes sense that Steve Tambellini’s out. Dude was good at getting the #1 draft pick and well…that was about it. Kevin Lowe gets to stick around because he’s done did the Cup thing as a player man and folks are impressed by shiny rings. That’s the only reason Lowe is still around, right? The Oilers had a miracle run in 2005-2006 (where Shawn Horcoff healed the lepers and Fernando Pisani gave sight back to the blind) and aside from that, Edmonton has been room temperature dogshit as an ice hockey club. The Oil are going to miss the playoffs for the 7th straight season and Kevin Lowe gets to stick around for some reason. Maybe Lowe’s being kept on as President of Hockey Operations because Daryl Katz needs someone just as hated as he is in Edmonton to keep spread out the hate waves.
Lowe suggesting that there are “two types of fans” (those that buy tickets and those that don’t) in the press conference was kinda awesome. You have to admire the balls on a dude that’s having a we’re firing a guy because we suck press thing and at the same time managing to turn things into a weird class war. REAL FANS PAY $200 A TICKET TO SEE THE OILERS PLAY A MEANINGLESS GAME! GET YOUR SOOT COVERED FOOT OFF MY SILK ROBE! Lowe apologized for the comments and clarified what he “meant”, but he really should have just rolled with the earlier comments and transition to full supervillain mode. He could have an eyepatch and a cape, occasionally strolling into orphanages ready to kick any tots in sight. Hockey execs seem to be tyrants on the best of days, so this could be a great opportunity to kick that shit up a notch. Heck, tie Esa Tikkanen to some railroad tracks. That’s a way more interesting way to spend a Saturday night than catching the Oilers/Canucks game.
Take It Outside: We’re getting six outdoor games next season. That’s five more than usual and *pauses for rotten fruit assault* it’s five more than we need. One game is cool because 1) the novelty’s fun 2) an NHL 24/7 series is always welcome 3) FASHIONABLE TOQUES. Multiply the games though and the flaws start to shine through. The Winter Classic is mostly super profitable NHL PR porn where we play along and pretend that players like Sidney Crosby played junior hockey outside and not in a highly competitive (and expensive) junior hockey program. (REMEMBER THE WORLD JUNIORS WHERE PAVEL DATSYUK GOT HOT CHOCOLATE ALL OVER HIS JERSEY AND A MOOSE WANDERED ONTO THE BENCH AND ATE ALL THE ORANGE SLICES? etc.) The spectacle’s fun in a short burst, but pretty quickly it becomes a four hour salute to ice repair. I can overlook all the gooftacular goofiness for one game, but six? Nuts to that. (And none at Caesar’s Palace? That be that bullshit.)
Also, if you’re going to do an outdoor game, who gives a fuck about pristine conditions? Crank up the authenticity and have the players play in an algae caked ravine filled with improperly discarded snowmobiles and the occasional guy that claims to be someone’s “uncle” even though by law they are not supposed to be within that area at all. Voila, the magic of outdoor hockey!
Ad Break: C’MON! PUT ON SOME SKATE GUARDS, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
Sucking On The Side Of A Mountain: Now I’m going to talk about soda. (I’m also going to make a Betty Boo reference.)
Lessons Learned From Betty Boo: A DEWmocracy Flavour Taste Test
On Saturday, I walked down Jane Street in search of bottles of the new Mountain Dew “DEWmocracy” flavours. WHAT AN IMPORTANT AND HISTORIC MARCH TO FLAVOURTOWN. (Not to be confused with Flavor Country which is a registered trademark of Phillip Morris International and grandmas in surprisingly well maintained NASCAR jackets.) I snagged all four bottles and I’m happy to share my findings with you.
I also bought a Slurpee, but I ended up throwing it out five minutes later because all the Slurpees in the Greater Toronto Area taste like crib death.
Before I begin, I should note that I do not care for regular Mountain Dew. “It tastes like extreme sports!” Really, Mountain Dew? Fuck off. Mountain Dew is one of those sodas I drink once every year or so and go: “yup, still don’t care for it.” (I do the same thing with jazz, college sports and bukkake porn.) I vaguely remember being okay with Mountain Dew: Code Red, but that might have just been a fever dream.
Okay, let’s do this.
Taste Test #1 – Mountain Dew: Code Red
Code Red? What the fuck? I’ve had you before, haven’t I? I mean, I’m hazy about somethings (Today I tried to sort out whether or not I’ve seen Modest Mouse live. I’m 60% sure I have.) but I’m pretty sure I’ve had a bottle of Code Red before. I think the guy from Halo was on the bottle. He was sticking a lazer gun in a social studies textbook’s face.
I reached for this first because if you’re born after 1930, you know that “red” equals “good” in the junk food world. This might taste like berry or melon, but odds are it will taste like “red”. MAYBE IT WILL TASTE LIKE JOSTA! (It won’t, Josta was darker. I miss Josta.)
Code Red tastes sweet and has a (red and pink) Starbursty type spin on citrus-based soda. It tastes alright, it’s mega fizzy and has a candy-like aroma. It’s not a go-to soda option, but it could but put into a rotation of lesser sodas.
Taste Test #2 – Mountain Dew: White Out
Onward to White Out. White Out’s a mostly white colour (with a tinge of blue) and is sorta murky. It’s fluid enough that the bottle doesn’t look like a 591ml container of EXTREME jizz.
I had a vague hope that White Out might taste like one of those white Mr. Freezes. White Mr. Freezes are criminally underrated and also someone should have told me I could have just rolled the wrapper to get the last dregs instead of deep throating the wrapper in front of my classmates to suck out that last bits of ice juice. You failed me, public schools.
White Out smells like Fresca, which is great news for the Troy McClures of the world. Oh shit, this is just bargain bin Fresca isn’t it? (It is.) White Out isn’t really a new soda variety, it’s like the knockoff soda you get from the supermarket. This could easily be labeled Frenchsta or Flexca and be sold for 35 cents a can. I would have preferred the EXTREME jizz.
Taste Test #3 – Mountain Dew: Voltage
Blue! This one’s blue. Not the bright monster blood blue you see in a bottle of Gatorade, but blue is still a fun colour for a soda. Unless it’s Pepsi Blue. You broke my heart, Pepsi Blue. I believed in you.
I noticed that of the ingredients of Voltage is “brominated vegetable oil”. That might be an ingredient of all Mountain Dew varieties. I’ve never really bothered to check. I don’t know what brominated vegetable oil is. Maybe it’s that thing that makes Breton crackers taste like cooked crack! Sweep me off my feet, Voltage!
Voltage doesn’t taste like lightning (OR DOES IT?), but it does taste like candy. Sweet blue candy that tastes like a blue Mr. Freeze. I like Voltage. I should look into drinking brominated vegetable oil out of the drum. (Update: Voltage isn’t the only variety with brominated vegetable oil. Looks like it’s back to good ol’ fashioned alcopop for me.)
Taste Test #4 – Mountain Dew: SuperNova
SPACE DRINK! I’M GONNA DRINK THE COSMOS!
Or maybe I’m drinking the Rock Star: SuperNova of beverages. Ugh, am I going to have Luas Rossi in my mouth? Entertainment Tonight Canada did that for a while, but I at least have an atom of dignity
SuperNova is purple and looks a bit like Vitamin Water. It’s a painfully bland looking drink, maybe it’s the Josh Duhamel of the DEWmocracy series.
I was scared because it smells a bit like Crystal Light (GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MOM, THIS ISN’T KOOL-AID), but SuperNova has a passable melony flavour to it. It’s not spectacular, but it’s a servicable option.
Three out of four are okayish flavours? I’m good with that. Voltage is probably my favourite. Mind you, Code Red is a worthy gladiator too. I hope the winning flavour doesn’t get impeached. It’s always tragic to see a flavour leave in disgrace. (I know what you did, Tahiti Treat. Not cool.)
Have a fun hockel this week.