Aw NHL Naw: Tales of Finnish Men and Biting

Take a break from compiling your super sweet all Merril Bainbridge Valentine’s Day mixtape and come hang out with me in the Aw NHL Naw tree fort. We’ve got Kool-Aid Jammers and wigs up in this fort!

Sharpen Your Teeth: Alleged man-biter Mikhail Grabovski will not be suspended for his alleged biting of Montreal hockey man Max Pacioretty. I always enjoy the avalanche of “this doesn’t belong in our sport” grandstanding that comes after biting incidents in sports. I WILL STAND UP AGAINST UNSANCTIONED MUNCHING! Well of course you’re anti getting eaten. We’re all anti getting eaten. There are entire genres of movies, books and video games built around the “gee whiz, getting eaten is so inconvenient” instinct that lives within us all.

This is going to lead to a bunch of bonkers bananacakes nonsense on Feb. 27 that is going to be about MEN MEN-ING EACH OTHER SO HARD IN THE MEN ZONE. Leafs/Habs pre-game hype is almost always HISTORY FART FART FART unbearable, so this will probably lead to me suffering a goddamn aneurysm. I did enjoy how Leafs fans fell into a state of delirium after Toronto waxed Montreal 6-0. If you were just going off the reaction on Twitter, you’d think Cody Franson commemorative stamps would be popping up at a Canada Post location near you. Considering that doomsday cults occasionally get signs of prophecies coming true every once in a while, why not the Leafs too? Heck, they’re sort of a doomsday cult in their own right.

Quick Note For Anyone That Is A Fan Of A Sports Franchise: Knock it off with that “____ Nation” shit. It’s the worst. Why are you trying to emulate Boston Red Sox fans? That’s like actively modelling your life after the paddle swingers from a shut down (yet still functioning) frat house.

Glove theft guffaws: This warmed my heart, although it should be noted that the turnbuckle analogy makes no sense. (h/t Puck Daddy)

Columbleh: On Tuesday, the Columbus Blue Jackets finally got around to firing general manager and executive VP Scott Howson. Columbus has only had two general managers in their franchise history and both have been absolute fucking disasters. First, there was Doug MacLean (Have you ever seen Doug MacLean on Sportsnet and not immediately felt the urge to Liu Kang bicycle kick the screen?) followed by the strategic dynamo that was Howson. If John Davidson wasn’t there as President of Hockey Operations, there’s a pretty good chance the Blue Jackets would just make an artistic rendering of hope being executed their general manager. (At least an artistic rendering would probably pull the trigger on a better Rick Nash trade.) My guess is that Jarmo Kekalainen getting hired has Columbus’s Little Helsinki district going fucking buckwild. Dude has three first round picks in 2013. I thought that was the sort of thing that only happens when you play “franchise mode”. It’s gonna be a fascinating draft.

Ayn Rand’s Goaltending School For Tots: I know Tim Thomas isn’t going to report to the Islanders, but does this mean that the club still acquires his dufflebag of crudely Xeroxed John Galt pamphlets?

Holy shit, I have one fucking enormous potato head: My big dumb head popped up on MTV this week and GAAAAAAAH I am not a good looking man. I mean, I’ve always known that I’m not “traditionally” good looking, but it’s a whole other ballgame to see my giant ogre-esque face on a big screen TV. I’ve watched porn on this television and I still recoiled way harder at my own face than I have at close ups of blown out rashy buttholes. My vanity was fucking hemorrhaging everywhere.

Go ahead, watch it. DO I EVEN HAVE EYES? ARE THOSE THINGS I CALL EYES JUST TINY BUTTONS THAT MY MOM SEWED INTO MY GLUE WHITE FLESH? IS MY GIN BLOSSOM NOSE ON LOAN FOR AN 1880s EDITORIAL CARTOON? HAS MY HAIR ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE IT’S ON LOAN FROM A DUTCH SEX OFFENDER? WHY DOES MY FOREHEAD JUST KEEP GOING? SHOULDN’T IT STOP SOMEWHERE?

That said, I think I have nice lips. I thought those really popped on camera.

(Also, I really enjoyed being a part of Losing It. It’s a great show and I was happy to appear on it.)

Enjoy your many litres of hockey this week!

Hang out with Dan on Twitter or in the comments. Kylie’s got a crush on him.

About Dan MacRae

An Italian inventor often referred to as the father of long distance radio transmission. Known for his development of Marconi's law and his vocals in Love Inc.

13 Responses to Aw NHL Naw: Tales of Finnish Men and Biting

  1. John John The Bastard February 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    I blame you for the fact that I’m blasting Downton in my office right now.

  2. Dan MacRae February 13, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    I hope I’m not liable for anything that happens in your next performance review.

  3. John John The Bastard February 13, 2013 at 4:21 pm #

    You’re liable for nothing but drowning out the same three songs on repeat. On a side note, apparently at some point Alicia Keys was on fire, and Mumford & Sons waited for someone.

  4. Dan MacRae February 13, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

    Crank up Les Dales Hawerchuk! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3JYkrXNzqQ

  5. Ron February 13, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    Yes, our inner Zombie will come out eventually..

    Dale was one of the best players in Sega NHL ’92.

  6. Dan MacRae February 13, 2013 at 11:53 pm #

    When it came to choosing a team for a Genesis era NHL game, I always relied on Ron Barr’s insight.

    http://attackinitiative.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/NHL94Barr.jpg

  7. anonymous February 13, 2013 at 11:58 pm #

    Can you introduce me to Hillary? She’s a hot mess. By the way, weren’t the Raiders the first ‘Nation’?

  8. Stephen Whitworth February 14, 2013 at 9:52 am #

    Scott Howson wasn’t nearly as bad as you say–he’s the guy who traded for those three draft picks. Still, he had to go and as a (the?) Blue Jackets fan I’m pretty excited he’s been replaced by a guy with eight umlauts in his last name.

  9. Dan MacRae February 14, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    Anon – You might be right about Raider Nation, although I can’t reward that with a friendly coffee meet & greet with Hilary. (There not much mingling for me when I was goofin’ & spoofin’ at MTV, so I never bumped into her. I was too busy asking questions about old VJs. IS JESSE CAMP DOING OKAY?, etc.)

  10. Dan MacRae February 14, 2013 at 11:59 am #

    SW – Maybe I was being a smidge harsh. The three draft picks are definitely a plus, but gadzooks there were some hachi machi elements to Howson’s reign. Only one playoff appearance, spending too much on the James Wisniewskis of the world, getting too little back for Rick Nash, bringing in Scott Arniel as a coach. Yikes!

    I for one welcome the Jarmo era and root for his GMery!

  11. Stephen Whitworth February 14, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

    I think Wiz is still going to do a lot for the team. Last year he suffered from Insane Salary High Expectation Syndrome (see: Shea Weber). He’ll be a good, gritty, slightly reckless D-man with second-tier power-play chops (when he’s healthy anyway). Not bad.

    Howson’s biggest mistakes were smaller things, like not re-signing winning players like Manny Malhotra and Jan Hedja. I think Hejda’s loss crippled the team last year and made Mason a lot worse (Wisnieski’s unfair start-of-season 10-game suspension also hurt badly).

    Howson really bungled with Mason, actually. Former coach (and Jack Adams winner) Ken Hitchcock wanted to send Mason to the minors at the start of his sophomore season to get his head together and Howson vetoed it. HUGE mistake. And then Howson fires Hitchcock? Idiotic.

    Anyway, it was time for Scott to go. All hail Kekalainen!

  12. Dan MacRae February 14, 2013 at 1:01 pm #

    I had ridiculously high hopes for Nikita Filatov. Still do actually. If Nikita wants to form an R&B duo with me, I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

  13. Stephen Whitworth February 14, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

    He has big, flirty Bud Cort eyes!

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