Canadian Scientists Refute Pepsi’s Horrifying “Mouse Jelly” Defence

Usually, when a consumer finds a human finger in their burger or whatever, the company just says, “We have no idea how that happened!” And then they settle out of court for a zillion dollars and nobody thinks of it outside of people who own Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.

That’s not good enough for the brave thought leaders at PepsiCo. In a fantastic response to an Illinois man’s claim that he found a whole dead mouse in a can of Mountain Dew, the soft drink manufacturer declared that Mountain Dew would have stone-cold turned the mouse into jelly. (The Atlantic) Completely not disgusting at all! “Obviously if this was accurate,” the Pepsi people are saying in a meeting in my mind, “this guy would have just drank his mouse and not even realized he’d done it. THIS CLAIM IS FALSE!”

This set off a lot of bullshit alarms everywhere, iron-stomached CBC reporter Andre Mayer’s among them. Mayer spoke to a University of Guelph prof who told him not only why Pepsi’s claim to the rodent-blobbening effects of a can of Mountain Dew is dubious but also the conditions under which Mountain Dew could actually turn a mouse into a hideous creature from your most awful nightmares ever, in a piece gut-churningly titled “No easy way to dissolve a mouse in Mountain Dew”:

The only way it would be feasible, Marcone speculates, is if the offending rodent had been submerged in a larger tub of the liquid for an extended period.

“I could see it if the mouse was in a gigantic vat and had been there for a significant amount of time — with the amount of acids that are in there, over a longer amount of time, and because of course they would be flushing the tanks all the time with new acids, there is the possibility of [disintegration],” he says.

[incoherent noises of disgust]

Author: John Cameron

John Cameron is a freelance journalist and occasional writer from Regina, Saskatchewan. He was the editor-in-chief of the Carillon, the University of Regina student newspaper, from 2010 to 2012. You can find more of his work in the Trash folder of several prominent national magazine editors' inboxes.

5 thoughts on “Canadian Scientists Refute Pepsi’s Horrifying “Mouse Jelly” Defence”

  1. I found a mouse in a pool filter once. Ugh, it still turns me stomach to think about it.

  2. A guy I know has some pet snakes and has seen some awful things regurgitated. Rodent-blobbening, indeed.

  3. What I saw was that the mouse’s eyeballs eventually separated from its head yet still hung on by its tendons, kind of like an old cartoon when the creatures eyes pop out at a really attractive lady or large sum of money.

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