Ward You’re Running In: The sea
Current Occupation: I am a recovering land dweller. It’s important to be direct and upfront with my constituents (ie. fish) about my terrestrial roots.
Voter Information: www.thepalinode.com
I grew up as the child of fishermen – that’s right, they were men, and I’m proud to be the child of a same-sex union. What I’m less proud of is the culture of marine exploitation in which I was raised. As Mayor of the sea, I would declare an immediate moratorium on the unconscionable practice of mass fish suicide. They don’t know that we humans are just laughing at them.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
1. Briefly, why are you running for council?
The sea is the locus of primordial chaos, the mother of all existence, and the wild untrammeled source of being. Someone has to clean that nonsense up.
2. What is the single most pressing issue facing Regina? How would you solve it?
The most pressing issue facing Regina is its poor diplomatic relationship with the sea. As sea-mayor, I would establish an embassy, a consulate, another consulate, and one more embassy for good measure in Harbour Landing. An embassy in Harbour Landing would have the advantage of growing more real every day.
3. Imagine the Regina Of The Future that you want to help build. What will it look like?
With the advent of climate change and the rising of sea levels, it’s a safe bet that most of Saskatchewan will be under water. So I don’t want to “build” Regina at all. I just have to wait. One day you will all wake up with eels around your ankles, and on that day you will know that I am your mayor.
4. Beyond immediate concerns like housing, the stadium and infrastructure renewal, what “big idea” project do you want to work on that nobody seems to be talking about?
Let’s put our octopuses to work doing tricky tasks in tiny spaces. They’ve got those squishy bodies and crazy tentacles!
5. Name something the last council got right.
They’ve done a bang-up job in getting a recycling program going. To the best of my knowledge, no other mid-sized North American city offers such a program. We’re like pioneers or something.
6. Now, point out their biggest mistake.
Not getting HBO in chambers. That’s premium entertainment for only a few dollars a month.
7. What are you reading these days?
I’m reading a brick of a book called How To Purchase The Fourth Season Of “The Mentalist” On DVD And Blu-ray Today. I’m in the middle of Chapter 24 right now, “Editing Your Shipping Address Information.”
8. Beyond your residence, do you own any property in Regina or in the immediate area?
I own the zoo. You say there’s no zoo here? There’s a zoo.
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1. What is your favourite Regina restaurant?
I don’t eat at restaurants.
2. Who is your favourite Regina artist?
Whoever designed the Roughriders logo is an artist in my book. Green – that’s the colour.
3. What actor would play you in the gritty cable drama, Queen City Hall?
It was revealed to me in a dream that the waterlogged corpse of Bruno Gerusi is my spirit animal. Given his experience in the television industry, I imagine he could answer this question better than I could.
Um, he says Gilbert Gottfried. What the hell. I want to be played by Ray Winstone.
4. How would your character die?
After several stern warnings from my doctor I finally suffer a fatal stroke, the result of poor diet, heavy smoking and being shot repeatedly by Warren McCall. It’s a shocking twist because Warren has never expressed any interest in municipal politics.
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PICK A SIDE
Cats or Dogs? Carrots.
Vampires or Werewolves? Wraiths and/or spectres.
Boxing or Roller Derby? Jai-alai.
Steak or Sushi? Steakshi.
Hill Towers or Legislative Building? Five Guys.
Quance Street or Dewdney Avenue? 16th Avenue.
Artesian or Wascana Park Gazebo? If we’re talking about anonymous sex, both are equally good. If we’re not talking about anonymous sex, I’ll probably steer the conversation back that way.
Prairie Dog or Richardson Ground Squirrel? Flying fish, aka Martel’s Air Fish.
Giant Grasshopper or Stegosaurus? Giant Stegosaurus.
Saskaboom or SaskAdvantage? Alberta.
Bike or Sports Car? Velociraptorpede.
Le Macaron or Five Guys? If you choose Five Guys over Le Macaron in an effort to appear more down-to-earth and voter friendly, you’re being a dick.
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? The Smiths, because I’m not a bleary-eyed ex-hippie desperately clinging to the dream of a society ruled by the diluted remains of a liberal class so myopic that it can no longer read its own moral compass. Or its morel compass. That’s a special compass that points to the giant mushroom that grows at the North Pole.
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BONUS QUESTION: Make up your own question (And answer it, of course!)
Is there really a giant mushroom at the North Pole?
Of course there is. Every winter it releases hallucinatory spores into the upper atmosphere. The spores drift around the world and settle over all the towns and cities of the world. Inhaled, they produce the vivid impression that Christmas happened.
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