Forget High-Energy Drunks

Canada’s health minister sounds like she’s working on a ban of alcoholic beverages pre-mixed with caffeine. What are the two words missing from this story? Four Loko. I don’t know why they fail to mention it; even if the F.D.A. “issued warning letters to four manufacturers of malt-based caffeinated alcoholic beverages”, we all know they were mostly upset about Loko, which has made headlines across the U.S. for being directly linked with a bunch of cases of idiot kids getting too wasted and ultimately hospitalized on the 12-percent-alcohol-plus-caffeine combo beverage. Part of the delight that I’ve felt about this whole issue has been hearing so many politicians talking about one of the trashiest drinks imaginable.

Setting that aside, Canadian politicians seem to just feel left out. “We’re worried about how irresponsible our boozers are too!” C’mon – the most worrying thing about Four Loko is really how dirt cheap it is. When I purchased some down in the States a while back, they were never sold for over two bucks and a quarter. Four Loko is the thrifty version of the debilitating drunk, which is why people are willing to weather the terrible, terrible taste.

Also, see the nice gent to your left? He’s a bit of a Loko fiend when he can get his hands on it. Check out the rest of the post to see him chewing on a plastic unicorn after drinking a can and a half of the stuff.

Author: James Brotheridge

Contributing Editor with Prairie Dog.

6 thoughts on “Forget High-Energy Drunks”

  1. If they ban caffeinated booze, it’s only going to drive the people back to speedballs for that even-keeled but totally gone state of bliss.

  2. If they ban caffeinated booze, kids are still going to drink themselves into the hospital, just in different ways.

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