1. YOU CAN PUT YOUR RIFLES DOWN NOW, FRANCE. The First World War is finally coming to an end on Sunday, October 3, when Germany makes its final reparation payment, as stipulated in the Treaty of Versailles. Reparation payments would have been finished off much earlier if Adolph Hitler hadn’t been such a dick about it. The payment is the equivalent of 59 million pounds sterling.
2. IT TURNS OUT AL-QAIDA DOESN’T CARE MUCH FOR THAT EUROPE AT ALL, NO SIR. A terrorist plot to target European countries has been unmasked. “The threat is very real,” said someone anonymous, which is weird, because if the threat is real, why would the person attesting to that threat’s reality remain anonymous? Other anonymous sources agree with the first anonymous source, which agree with – other news stories with anonymous sources? Wake me up when the bullshit stops raining.
3. PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE UNTIL YOU DIE, GEORGE LUCAS. Lucasfilm is converting the Star Wars movies into 3D, staring with Episode Suck and spiraling downward from there. Expect some total-piece-of-crap films that made you curl up and weep in horror ten years ago to start showing up in theatres by 2012.
4. BULLIES ARE GOOD FOR SOMETHING AFTER ALL. A study has uncovered the shocking truth that children with food allergies are subject to bullying. Why is this a good thing? Because maybe the bullied children will exile themselves onto some island somewhere and I can move forward with my pet project: filling public swimming pools with my patented peanuts ‘n’ shellfish trail mix.
BONUS MATERIALS: David Simon won a McCarthur ‘Genius Grant‘; people in the town of Sidney, New York want to dig up the bodies of Muslims; long arms are more attractive than long legs on women; and Jean Charest demands an apology from MacLean’s magazine.