Hockey, Denim, Teens, Texting, Sex, Drugs And Facebook

Busy day today so I just have time for a couple of quick items.

First: I have no idea how I missed this news, but apparently the Saskatoon Blades will wear imitation denim jerseys for their game against Ryan Johansen and the red-hot Portland Winterhawks this Friday. Imitation denim. Yup. Give’er.

(The Winterhawks play the Pats tonight, by the way. Puck drops at 7:00. Did I mention that Columbus Blue Jackets’ prospect Ryan Johansen will be in the lineup? The Jackets rock. No, I’m not being sarcastic. Yes I really am a huge Blue Jackets fan. No I will not apologize. Go away.)

Second: A new study (and how many nightmares of the modern age have been unleashed after those words?) says that “hyper-texting” teenagers — teens who fire off more than 120 texts per day or spend more than three hours on social networking sites like Facebook — are more likely to be involved in sex, drugs and presumably rock and roll.

Naturally, the implied villain in the piece is social networking technology. Although after scaring the snot out of parents, the article’s main source — the researcher behind the study — unhelpfully suggests that even taking your kid’s cell phone away won’t stop drug-tripping, sex-loving or rock-and-rolling kids.

Apparently all you can do to keep a strongly-textroverted teen out of trouble is love them, set reasonable boundries, have half a clue and stay involved in their lives.

Not enough? Here’s a few additional words for terrified parents from me, the editor of prairie dog, a non-parent with good intentions:

1.) Some teens can spend three or more hours a day texting and Facebooking and be fine. Others might have their grades slip or join a homicidal sex-cult. It’s kind of random so you should just give up now.

2.) All teenagers have sex. Don’t let yours go to school without first dressing them in head-to-toe body condoms.

3.) Make sure they know not to poke holes in the body condom for more natural-feeling texting. That’s how pregnancy occurs.

4.) Drugs are one thing but if you catch your kid with cigarettes you should waterboard them. Smoking is disgusting.

5.) Except for pot once in a rare while, that probably won’t hurt.

6.) And cigars can be quite yummy, but your child must be at least 31 to smoke them or they’ll look like a jackass. And never, never smoke Century Sams. Barf city.

Finally, what the hell have you concerned parents been smoking that you want my advice ? I’m a 40-something man-child who dyes his hair purple every spring. Why are you even reading this??? You’re setting a terrible example for your children. No wonder they’re addicted to Facebook.

Author: Stephen Whitworth

Prairie Dog editor Stephen Whitworth will never, ever pass up a chance to make a Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo pun.

13 thoughts on “Hockey, Denim, Teens, Texting, Sex, Drugs And Facebook”

  1. First of all, it’s a huge misnomer to say “all teens have sex”. All teens may want to have sex, less than half actually get sex. The same applies to college students. Let’s stop fantasizing here. Deep down a parent probably wants their kid to have sex, just to know they’re capable of scoring and aren’t bound to 20 more years in their basement texting their guy friends on Facebook.

    As for texting and Facebook, I’m WAY more afraid of adults who send 120 texts and Facebook 3 hours.

  2. That goal wasn’t coast to coast. He got the puck on a pass from the defenceman at centre ice. So it was more like mid-continent to coast.

  3. Clearly I’m joking about jumping off a cliff. But I did want to say what a pleasure it’s been chatting over the Internet with classy gentlemen such as yourselves. Buy yourselves a pint, on me.

  4. Stephen – the day I give in to imitation denim is the day I start wearing “jeggings”, stirrup pants, and scrunchies. I am over 20 years on the wagon and I don’t intend to fall off… never again!

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