Six In The Evening

6 in the Evening1. THEY EVEN TURN UP SLOWLY. A Brazilian family rediscovered their pet tortoise in the attic as they were cleaning out the space. The pet had gone missing in 1982. This is the greatest news story of all time.

2. SEVEN YEARS, FIVE BUCKS, 10 HOURS. ONE LAWSUIT. New York City cops arrested a seven year old boy, put him in handcuffs and detained him for 10 hours (police claim it was only half that time). But it’s completely justified, folks — the boy was accused of stealing five dollars from another child. Falsely, as it turns out. So it works out for everyone! Except for the traumatized child. And the infuriated parents. And the NYPD, which is being sued for $250 million. Also society.

3. CONGRATULATIONS, NEARLY EVERY ADULT I’VE EVER MET. YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN ZIMBABWE. How much money does the country of Zimbabwe currently have? According to the government, $217.00. Yup.

4. ISLAMISTS INEFFECTIVE. Apparently the recent attempt to burn the Ahmed Baba Institute only destroyed a small percentage of the more than 300,000 texts stored there. This is a pleasing instance of fanatics’ ineptitude with fire.

5. WHAT? Three Conservative MPs, including Saskatoon’s own Maurice Vellacott, have asked the RCMP in a letter to investigate abortions performed after 19 weeks as “possible homicides.” You get it? They put it in writing. And they didn’t clear it with Harper’s office. Vellacott sincerely believes that this will not embarrass the government. Because he is an idiot.

6. BEYONCE TEACHES US HOW TO LIVE. Beyoncé Knowles faced the media today over accusations that she had lip synced the Star Spangled Banner at Obama’s inauguration. And instead of offering denials or explanations, she pulled the mic from the stand and belted out the national anthem again. That’s how you be awesome.

Author: Aidan Morgan

Aidan is a very serious man who's saving up for a nice dignified pipe. Then we'll see who's laughing.

3 thoughts on “Six In The Evening”

  1. I have trouble believing the tortoise story. I want to believe it, but 30 years.. on maybe termites? Do they make no noise at all as they shuffle across the floor? Did they not enter the room for 30 years?

  2. My nephew has a newt that he has ignored and kept in the dark and cool basement for over 20 years. Yes, he did feed and water it, but the darned thing never seemed to move. He finally moved somewhere else and brought it upstairs into the light and warmth, and that darn thing is perking up like it was just hatched. If an amphibian can go into torpor under less-than-optimal conditions, then perhaps a reptile can go into a very low state of metabolism and survive on minimal food and water for a long time.

  3. 1) Now that is an amazing story finding a pet turtle alive 30 years later. You’d think he would have died a long time ago.
    6) Beyonce knows how to show them off!

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