Six In The Morning

1 THE FAMILIES OF THE DEAD DON’T WANT TO SEE A SCHWARZENEGGER FLICK OR WHATEVER, THANKS. After receiving criticism for not reaching out to the families of the victims of the Aurora murders, Cinemark invited family members to a “night of remembrance” followed by a movie screening on January 17. In other words, they’ve invited people to the same movie theatre where their relatives were gunned down only a few months back. The families are really, really not into it, even though the popcorn is probably free. I say probably.

2 HEY, PUT DOWN THAT REGIME TRANSITION PSYOPS PACKAGE UNLESS YER GONNA BUY IT. The National Intelligence Council has released Global Trends 2030, the latest installment in their periodic volume of realpolitik auguring. Among other predictions, they declare that the U.S. will become a “global security provider.” Which I think means that the country will become the equivalent of those skeevy spy tech and military surplus stores that peer out sullenly from strip malls on the outskirts of North American cities.

3 BLACKSTRAP. IT’S THE HILL OF GARBAGE THAT WILL HAUNT US FOREVER. Apparently, three developers are “vying” for the opportunity to pour money into Blackstrap and revive its fortunes as a recreation attraction. “Vying” seems like a really enthusiastic verb in this situation, but take it as you will. Of note in the story: the sentence “[Developer] Spink has started a Face-book page for the proposed ski hill.” Also on the social media menu: a Tweeter account and a Tumbular.

4 SCHOOL OFFICIALS PREVENT DOZENS OF PEOPLE FROM CLUTCHING CHEST, FALLING OVER, CRYING OUT “OW, YOU GOT ME.” In Maryland, a 6-year-old boy has been suspended for pointing his finger in the classic gun shape and saying “Pow.”

5 WE’LL BE KEEPING OUR CRAPPY ISLANDS AT THE END OF THE WORLD, BUT THANKS FOR ASKING. UK PM David Cameron is committed to keeping the Falkland Islands out of the hands of those nasty Argentinians, despite a request from Argentine President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner for the return of the territory. The request was sent exactly 180 years to the day after the British took it from Argentina. My advice to Argentina is to wait until Britain has become an decrepit ex-Empire with rapidly shrinking revenues and an increasingly weak grasp of its place in the world, and then just go and take those islands. So, next Tuesday.

6 GERARD DEPARDIEU, RUSSIA’S NEWEST CITIZEN. Vladimir Putin has granted Russian citizenship to French actor Gerard Depardieu, who is quitting his native country to avoid French taxes. Between this and Russia’s ban on adopting out Russian children to Americans, I think Putin is trying to recreate a model France for his own amusement somewhere in the heart of the country.

Author: Aidan Morgan

Aidan is a very serious man who's saving up for a nice dignified pipe. Then we'll see who's laughing.