1 CANADA’S GOVERNMENT WILL PULL OUT OF KYOTO Because fuck science, fuck the environment, fuck nature, fuck Africa, fuck David Suzuki and fuck our children’s future, amiright? Now, if you’re a Conservative supporter and you DO care about the world and you’re shocked–shocked!–by my hostile tone*, you might decide it’s time to actually learn something. Well, you can read all about the Durban climate conference on the Guardian’s website here.
*I mean, it’s reasonable that I would assume Conservative voters just don’t fucking care about the planet — that’s what it looks like to those of us who do — but maybe I’m wrong and there’s a logical reason for their political behaviour. Some of the Tory voters I’ve met seem really nice. Maybe there’s been a crazy mix-up?
2 NEW BORDER DEAL HURRAH If I’m reading this right, Canada will work more closely with U.S. Homeland Security so our government can harass jobless Canadians and poor immigrants. because in a country that’s failed to create jobs for 7.4 per cent of the population, we need to crack down on anyone on the EI gravy train.
3 THE GAP BETWEEN CANADA’S RICH AND POOR KEEPS GETTING WIDER But let’s not talk about that. Let’s complain about protesters or something instead. Are there any occupy protesters left? Protesters. They sure are dumb, huh?
SO! FULL! OF! RAGE!!!!! Arrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!
4 SASKATCHEWAN THRONE SPEECH It’s today. Will the Sask Party promise to privatize the crowns, recklessly cut taxes and roll in a social conservative agenda? What is this, 1999? Of course not. Nah, they’ll probably just continue to undermine crowns in a low-key way so that they’ll be set up for possible future privatization and moderately cut taxes which will set Saskatchewan up for some good ol’ fashioned belt-tightening the second anything goes wrong in the resource sector. As for the Sask Party’s socially conservative nerd wing, they’ll keep their mouths shut as usual because that ship has sailed and also Brad Wall would strangle them. Might be some union-bashing today, though. We can only hope.
5 EUROPE: SRS BZZNSS REAL TALK The leaders of Germany and France say it’s time for a new Eurozone treaty because that last one worked so well.
6 IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, HERMAN CAIN WON’T BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES Aw.
STILL! TOO! ANGRY! ACTIVATE KITTENS! Awwwwwww!