Toronto, I Must Be Blunt

You have fucked up very, very, very badly. You have betrayed your brightest, most talented and kindest citizens by electing an angry, swaggering simpleton as your mayor. Heedless of consequence, deaf to reason, you crept from behind and most treacherously plunged thy dagger poison’d with fear, hatred and capricious malice deep in the unguarded back of your most courageous citizens. Tonight, your best and brightest despair at your selfish, cowardly and reckless electoral deed.

You monsters.

To borrow a few words from that esteemed scholar of Classics, A. Haddock (Captain, Rt.), you have elected a squawking popinjay, a Visigoth, a scoffing braggart, an odd-toed ungulate, a Bashi-bazouk. “Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles.”

Hang your heads, Toronto. Hang. Your. Heads.

EDIT: updated links.

Author: Stephen Whitworth

Prairie Dog editor Stephen Whitworth will never, ever pass up a chance to make a Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo pun.

34 thoughts on “Toronto, I Must Be Blunt”

  1. I’m always surprised when people are surprised when a wacko nutjob gets elected. Tonight, the new Mayor of Toronto got the most votes. If you don’t vote, you elect the worst. The people who never bothered to vote in Toronto’s municipal election elected Rob Ford.

  2. That dude’s got some sweet jowls. I think he’ll be alright. This is Revenge of the Middle-Aged, Middle-Class White Male, dude’s who miss the kind of bars in which you drank Labatt Blue and danced to Doug & the Slugs.

  3. We still vote in the same way our grandparents and great-grandparents voted — with a pencil on a piece of paper in a church basement or a school gym. If you think this is archaic, so be it. The winner of a municipal election will be the person who has the most people inking a dot behind a cardboard shield in a church basement.

  4. What an incredible error Toronto has just made. It’s like 47% of the population there got together and decided that ignorance and idiocy are somehow good things.

    Oh well, he might destroy the city, but I’m sure his drunken antics will keep us entertained for the next few years.

  5. By the way, why do you consider this an error, a “fuck up”? Why is this any worse than a self-absorbed, preening, leftwing, intellectual, postmodern weiner-doodle?

    Wow, 4 paragraphs of hollow leftwing knee-jerk reaction.

    And to Jeff: Haven’t we already elected a guy like this? Yeah, his name is Pat. He’s just not as easy to ridicule, because he’s small and not so fleshy.

  6. Oh Garth. It’s not “hollow left-wing knee-jerk reaction.” It’s “calling it like it is.” The guy’s history suggests he’s an ignorant, nasty, jerk. Show me a lefty mayor in Canada who’s anywhere near this awful and I’ll condemn him or her too.

    In any case you have a right to have terrible taste in politicians and you’re free to share your opinions here in the comments. In fact, rather than attack my hyperbolic and poetic indulgences, why don’t you take the stage and tell us why Rob Ford–a guy who once got drunk at a Leafs game and said to a guy ““Do you want your little wife to go over to Iran and get raped and shot?”-is such a great dude?

    footnote/link: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/rob-ford-and-a-decade-of-controversy/article1678543/page2/)

  7. It’s Toronto’s problem, folks, and they’ll have to live with it. As Paul pointed out above, Ottawa made a mistake last election, and corrected that mistake this time.
    Mr. Ford, like many a politician before him, will quickly discover that there’s a great deal he can’t do – which is why, when running for office, one should never make promises one cannot keep.

  8. I didn’t watch the campaign or anything but my guess is he was a loud guy who complained about a bunch of crap and some people ate it up. It happens all the time. Remember when Fiacco ran for mayor on a platform consisting entirely of “It’s Time for a Change”, and won on that?

  9. True say Barb – it is like that guy who ran for mayor in Regina several elections ago who said he’d make pot use legal within the city and put an international airport at Belle Plaine!

  10. Wow …

    If anything, this sort of knee jerk reaction to the results of mondays election tells me that you obviously paid no attention to the campaign that has gone on in this city.

    Yeah Rob Ford is a little more colorful than oh I don’t know Pat Fiacco … but who else should we have voted for?

    George Smitherman, who may not have the same skeletons in his closet… but wait he is an admitted drug user, and has had his name attached to several projects that wasted BILLIONS of dollars of tax payer dollars. Even if Rob Ford was arrested for a DUI he has proven for 10 years that he can operate as a city councillor without dicking the tax payers around.

  11. Andre: Thank you for the comment. It does sound like you had a poor choice in candidates but that’s no excuse to elect Rob Ford. (Also, wasn’t Ford arrested for drug possession? Pot I believe? Which should be a legal drug, but that’s another argument.)

    Your “dicking taxpayers around” statement concerns me. The word “taxpayer” is a gruesome, one-note propaganda term that diminishes democracy and civilization, reducing it to an annoying bill you get in the mail. Democracy isn’t a burden and government is a large and essential part of ours society. You should stop using the word. It’s absolutely toxic.

  12. You’re right Stephen … but it’s another reason why Rob Ford resonated with the electorate. He doesn’t call us “taxpayers” he calls us “customers”.

  13. Barb: Steve’s a total word Nazi. We’re constantly getting emails updating his list of banned words and phrases. He freaks out if you use something like “indeed” or “in terms of”.

    Oh, “douche-nozzle” is completely fine with the guy but he’ll blow a gasket over “moreover”.

  14. Barb my lovely friend: the word “taxpayer” is a scourge and I think it should be dropped. It’s loaded with toxins. It is un-salubrious. I’ll bet a credible master’s thesis could be written on how it’s not even a word, it’s a virulent ideological meme hatched in some U.S. think-tank’s subterranean laboratory.

    “Customer” is just insane. I’d suggest “citizen” as the best alternative but it’s stodgy.

    As for what Dechene said, that stuff about me and “moreover” and “douchenozzle” is literally true. And I mean the literal “literally”, not the metaphorical one. I have probably sent him e-mail lectures.

    “Moreover” sucks. Its use leads to lazy, lifeless writing. Into the trash with it!

  15. Bah and poo re: taxpayers. And, while we’re at it, do you realize that all the “douche” variants are dreadfully offensive to women?

  16. No, the douche-words are only dreadfully offensive to SOME women. Other women love the term. I don’t actually use it much though, because I’m remarkably sensitive to people’s feelings.

  17. I vote for the term “hosepail” (in place of the douche variants). It worked on “WKRP in Cincinnati”.

  18. I also vote for citizen vs. taxpayer or customer. As soon as you are a customer you are prone to becoming entitled and complacent – expecting to be served instead of contributing; wanting more services for less tax contribution.

  19. Actually, “Do you want your little wife to go over to Iran and get raped and shot?” is actually a pretty accurate depiction of what would happen to your wife if she was raped in Iran.

    Islamic states SUCK–Islamic states are rightwing and conservative and leftwingers should not defend them. It’s a losing cause. Say the Tea Party wants to bomb Iran–Why should I care? Bomb away. I’ll still hate the Tea Party, but it’s one less douchebag to worry about. Bombing Iraq was stupid because Iraq was NOT an Islamic state, nor was Saddam dabbling in WMD. Omar Khadr–his only defence is that he was a minor. He’s guilty and a little puke, because he fights for fasco-islamists. The left should REALLY pit the Tea Party right/wingnuts and Islamists as one and the same.

  20. I predict Fiacco will not run again in 2012, because after 12 years of Doug Archer in 2000, Fiacco himself declared that after 12 years, it was “Time for a Change”. By Fiacco’s own logic, his time in 2012 will be up. See you, Pat. Back to hawking sales guy lounge wear at Tip Top Tailors.

  21. There should be term limits on elected public office at all levels of government. Failing that, candidates should set such limits for themselves. Elected public office is not a career: it is a contribution you make as a citizen.

  22. You should care about any proposed bombing of Iran because a bombed Iran would cut off the oil, not just their own but anything going through the Persian gulf. Which would trash the world’s economy. Which would affect you. So you should care.

    Also, Iran has really interesting and lively citizens who like their government a lot less than you and I do. Remember the huge protests against last year’s corrupt election? That was good to see. There are really good people in that country. Bombing Iran would undermine their ability to change things because the country would unite against its attackers. Also, a lot of these really cool people would die.

    I’m quite opposed to this bombing you suggest.

  23. Wow. You guys are being way more polite to Manganese than I would be. I frown on his hostility towards Iranians and find it unfunny.

    I’d be inclined to call him a douchenozzle but I won’t because, like Barb said elsewhere, that’s insulting to women. And to douchenozzles.

    Why should you care about bombing Iranians, Manganese (if that is your real name)? Because they’re people. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s all you need to get automatic membership into the Do Not Bomb Club.

  24. I’ve always read Paul DeChene as if his entire audience was Winona Ryder in her prime. Maybe now his target is Maura Tierney.

    As for Iran, I see your point about the flow of oil. In retrospect, I don’t think Iran and their innocent freedom-blogging civilians should die, nor the ones who stone women who cheat on their abusive husbands, but my point remains that “the left” shouldn’t necessarily spread itself thin by playing Sheppard to the world, cuz we got WAY bigger problems at home than worrying about whether radical rightwing Islamist is giving moderate rightwing Islamist a bad name.

  25. Dude. You are going to have to unpack that insult for me because I know I’m supposed to feel insulted but all I’m seeing is Winona Ryder and Maura Tierney and I’m like, hubba hubba!

    As for the rest of your comment, which Sheppard exactly should the left not be playing to the world? Would that be Ray Sheppard the hockey player, Jack Sheppard the notorious 18th century criminal, or maybe Simon Sheppard the author of Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion? I’m hoping it’s Principal Sheppard from Degrassi: The Next Generation because I think I could play him pretty well if, say, a local dinner theatre company were to adapt the show as a musical. But then your point is that’s not something we should be doing and you’re probably right. Playing Principal Sheppard in a dinner theatre musical wouldn’t help my career one bit.

    So yeah, if you could sort those things out…. Thx.

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