1. WE WON. I say “we” won because I literally played in the Canadian Men’s Hockey team and scored at least one of the goals that ended in a 3-0 score in a game in which Canada just kept the puck the hell away from those nasty, greedy Swedes (video autoplay warning). Am I Jonathan Toews? Sidney Crosby? The other one? No, I’m the astral body of Guy Lafleur.
2. UPDATE YER IPHONES, FOLKS. A major security flaw has been identified in iOS devices that could allow “hackers” and “hacktivists” to read your “important emails,” because god knows the world is full of electronic sneaks who want to intercept your lunch plans with that vaguely racist guy from accounts receivable. Anyway, if you think you’re important enough, there’s an update available for your many devices.
3. WHAT’S WHATSAPP ANYWAY? By now everyone knows that Facebook bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. But what exactly is WhatsApp? And why does Robert Reich think that WhatsApp is everything that’s wrong with the US economy? I feel that it’s everything wrong with app naming, but maybe that’s just me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to develop WheresBeef, the newest app for locating your nearest butcher or cow.
4. FALL DOWN EVERY MOUNTAIN, DROWN IN EVERY STREAM. The last of the singing von Trapp family has died at 99.
5. TAKE THAT, PIERRE TRUDEAU. The Alberta Court of Appeal has ruled that its laws do not need to be printed and published in English and French. The ruling came down over a fight involving a decade-old parking ticket.