You Now Belong To CP Rail

Bonus Column | by Brad Wall

Citizens, gather round, for I have great news. As of this morning, I have sold you all to Canadian Pacific Railway.

That’s right, as part of the GTH land deal, we’re not only giving CP free land along with the millions of dollars we’ve already e-transferred to them for the rail yards and some Turkish Delight we found in one the cars — we’re also selling them every single person in Saskatchewan.

Did I say “sell”? Because we’re actually giving you away. You know, as a gift. It turns out people are expensive to maintain but not worth much on the open market. Where’s the math in that? As part of our austerity budget, we calculated that people form the main expense of government. Not only are there salaries for public servants, but there are highways, schools, hospitals, you name it. Why not cut out the middleman and pass the savings directly onto a few rich Albertans?

But what will you be doing as the property of CP Rail? Good question. I know it’s a good question because I asked it. Some of you will be engineers. Some will be conductors. A few of you will get to perch on top of the train and say “Toot toot!” as you rumble past our emptied-out cities.

But most of you will be rail ties. I hear that can get rough, so pick yourself up some heavy duty boots and a helmet. It’s time to spend a bit of the wealth that’s trickled down to you over the last ten years.

On the upside, I hear we’ve drafted Jake Heaps as the new Riders quarterback. I’m going to have to sell some of you people to the stadium.

Brad Wall is the premier of Saskatchewan who squandered the province’s wealth in the name of fleeting popularity and is now starving the cities and the poor in a doomed bid to preserve the shriveled husk of his legacy.