Making Youppi

Aw NHL Naw: one moron’s poor analysis of nonsense

by Dan MacRae

Oh hi, I didn’t see you there holding the local alternative paper. My name’s Dan and I’m here to take you on a whirlwind tour of the comings and goings of the National Hockey League. Well, not really. It’s mostly just swearz ’n’ lazy analogies and junk.

Away we go!

ENUFF Z’NUFF FOR RUFF (THAT WAS A BIT OF A REACH WASN’T IT? I KNEW IT)

Lindy Ruff is no longer the coach of the Buffalo Sabres. I’m still trying to process the news. I think I aged 60 years when I found out. Pennies are gone? It was like we never used them in the first place. The guy that sorta looks like Martin Mull isn’t coaching shit up in Buffalo? I DO NOT RECOGNIZE THIS SPINNING ORB THAT I LIVE ON!

The Sabres have always been one of those teams that you only half paid attention to and could use the fact that Ruff was always the coach to bullshit your way around conversations.

“The Sabres? I don’t know, dude. They’re a team that needs their goaltending to be top notch if they’re going to make any serious waves this season. I think Ruff’ll get them into the playoffs, though. What? He’s not there anymore. Is Stu Barnes still there? Really? Who’s the Prime Minister? Are you serious? Wow! Anything else I should know? Hold up, what’s this “cotton gin” you speak of?”

The Sabres could always re-hire Ted Nolan as their head coach. They won’t, because the NHL’s fucked up like that, but it’d be kinda neat. Nolan somehow managed to get a mid-aughts Islanders team into the playoffs. With a resume like that I’d let him be my doctor.

SOME HARD TSN BLURBIN’

Hi TSN. Is there any way you can police how much the word “sick” is used on SportsCentre? It’s weird having 1998 Jim Rome staples mixed in with hoser slang when I’m watching highlights.

Real Talk: I cringe when I hear the term “beaking” in any context. I just fucking hate it so much. Just GAAAAAAAAAAAH! Maybe it’s because I’m an old man or something. I don’t know.

JOY (OF NEW) DIVISION(S)

Realignment looks like a go. I’m excited for it, even if I don’t really understand how the new divisional setup is going to work. It’s one of those things that’s been explained to me hundreds of times, but I still can’t quite grasp it. (I have the same problem with understanding math, mutual funds and the rules of the Double Cross game on The Price is Right.)

Still, because I’m an old man with an old man skeleton made up of moldy old man bones, I get all swoony over the return of the four division format. Maybe they’ll even bring back the old division names: Smyth, Adams, Norris and Patrick. (ALSO BRING BACK HILL STREET BLUES!) They won’t, though. Instead we’ll get division names based on regions. Which isn’t the worst thing in the world.

But I imagine if the NHL could, they’d rename each division in a way they imagine makes the league more relevant to casual fans:

Kiefer Sutherland Mentioned Us In US Weekly Once division

Extreme Neon A/S/L Dirt Bikes AOL Keyword: IceBoyz69 Youth Culture division

Football division

Bridgestone Presents: Hot Labour Dispute Action division

“Do you kids still like Five For Fighting? We could name the conferences after some of their sweet album cuts!” etc.

Have a fun hockel!

Dan MacRae is made out of bits of old junior high dioramas. You can follow him on Twitter: @danmacrae