Eat My Red Shorts

The Man of Steel responds to critics

by Superman

Superman cartoon

Hello, super friends! How’s it going? Are you ready for my latest, greatest movie, Man Of Steel? Yeah? Super fist-bump atcha!

Wait, what’s that? Did someone just dis my new costume?

You! Nerdface! You totally did! Do you think I can’t hear you? Remember, I’ve got super ears! And when you trash-talk my outfit, they start super-burning!

You said my new uniform “sucks kryptonite balls” and I should put my red shorts back on!

Well, forget it!

Look: I understand why a pathetic nerd like you cares so much about my pants. You have no life, and when a 75-year-old comic book icon like me changes his traditional (but totally ridiculous) underwear-on-the-outside get-up, it turns your miserable little nerd-world upside down.

Get over it. Times and styles change, and if a hero doesn’t keep up he’ll become yesterday’s Superman. And we don’t want that, right? Right.

Here’s what really pisses me off, nerd-wad: you said I got rid of my shorts because they were “too much like ladies’ underpants.” Are you insinuating that I’m a misogynist who’s insecure about his masculinity? LOL dude, please. Have you SEEN my massive muscles and full spread of chest hair? I could wear a ballroom gown and heels, and I’d still be manlier than anyone in your little D&D club.

And no, I didn’t cave to pressure from “comic-hating studio suits who said my classic outfit was old-fashioned.” I’m no corporate stooge, pal — I’m my own (super) man and I decide what I wear.

The bottom line, wimplord, is I don’t care what you think. I like my new underwear-free threads.

You want to talk about something? I suggest my big, blue super-bulge. You never noticed THAT when  I wore red panties, didja?

2013-06-13