On Petitions, Whales & Special Interest Groupers

mayorofthesea-salinatedHello citizens,

Summer’s here and it’s a scorcher! I see you all heading out to lakes and rivers and pools (both public and private) and I have to shake my head. Because once again, you ignore the possibilities “bubbling out of your own taps,” as it were.

I received some pretty strongly worded e-mails after I rejected your waste water petition. While I admire the passion and engagement of a small minority of my constituents — some of whom may or may not be in the pocket of nationally organized unions; who knows these things? — let’s be clear: the legislation states that all petitions submitted to the Mayor of the Sea must be laminated, since the paper tends to suffer from exposure to salt water. That is the rule of sea law, which is the only thing that separates us from a large saltwater lake.

Nonetheless, we accepted the unlaminated document on a Friday afternoon and left it out until Monday morning. The clerk performed a calculation with 95 per cent certainty that the soaked shreds of the petition would make a great papier-mâché statue of a unicorn for my desk! We have the best staff here.

But seriously, Regina: why do you waste water in the first place? Think of all those precious liquid resources that could go to restoring Aqua-Regina’s rightful 90 million year old title as the capital city of the Sea. If you ladled off 10 per cent from each gallon of waste water you generated, put it in a bucket and threw in a box of Sifto — citizen, you’ve got yourself the makings of a sea!

Soon you’ll be swimming around in a tranquil underwater paradise with coral and fish and public servants everywhere. Let’s ignore for a moment the tremendous tourism opportunities that an underwater city typically generates (visits from Atlantis, Lemuria and Vheissu will ‘skyrocket’ lol) — just imagine the life that awaits you in beautiful Aqua-Regina. Your children will play in columns of gelid turquoise light, your supper will swim eagerly into your nets, and we’ll all enjoy a fruitful partnership with the cetacean sector. Studies have shown that utilities and infrastructure run by whales produce measurable efficiencies, with an 80 per cent increase in plankton production over the next five years.

And more to the point, it’ll cost $60 million in funding if we don’t give the whales a piece of the action. They don’t care if we freed Willy that one time. They hated Willy. Willy was weak. He let himself be ensnared by pathetic, tiny, possibly tasty humanity —

Well, listen to me carrying on like I haven’t had my fish oil. Stay damp, everyone!

Yours in hydration,

The Palinode
Mayor of the Sea