Pour yourself a glass of wine, dim the lights and dig into three McCain’s Deep and Delicious cakes, it’s time for Aw NFL Naw.
Looking At Costumed Men Prancing Around On Grass: Last week, I went from having no televised football (like I was a goddamned animal!) to having an absurd amount of it (like I was a goddamned supercool animal!). On Sunday, I dove face first into the world of NFL RedZone and it was glorious. It’s like heroin dipped in KFC chicken skin good. Huzzah for RedZone and the NFL’s weird supervillainy way to allow these things to happen. Bring on the barcodes on skulls, I’m ready. (Apologies to the Illuminati for giving away their plans for 2012.)
Rooms Where Shootings Happen, Also Dancing: On Tuesday, Giants wideout Victor Cruz was at a nightclub where a shooting took place. Cruz was 1) Unharmed 2) Not involved in the shooting in any capacity 3) Probably not wearing a Plaxico Burress/Cheddar Bob style of steppin’ out sweatpants. Shootings that take place at locations where NFL players frequent aren’t all that uncommon. In fact, it happens in all sorts of leagues. The Arena League is often dealing with players being at the scene of shootings at Chili’s locations. It’s just part of the nightlife. That said, it’d be a lot cooler and a lot more glamourous if the weapons used in these incidents weren’t guns but something like a golden pocketwatch covered in SuperTyphoid spores. Not only is that more interesting, it just sounds like the kind of thing millionaires should possess when out for a night on the town. You’ve got to show off at the club, you know?
DeSean Jackson For Comptroller: Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell recently predicted that Andy Reid needs to pretty much run the table, if he’s going to stay as head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. It always sounds neat when a past or present Governor, Premier, Prime Minister, President or Lady Pope comments on a sporting event. It’s easy to be dismissive of them (“If you’re as right about the Dodgers bullpen as you were about the chemical fire near the orphanage, you can take a hike, pal.”), but the great thing about sports is that we all get to make wild blanket statements about what we imagine will happen and not really get punished for being completely wrong. Gabbin’ ’bout sports puts us in this weird zone where we all get to be arrogant about Juan Castillo together, like we’re one big family of people making frowny faces to demonstrate how we displeased we are with strangers. Of course, Rendell works part time as an analyst, so we can just shrug and go “pffft, I already fucking knew that, you dope” and move on to our next bit of complaining.
Come Back Up With People, All Is Forgiven: Nickelback is playing the halftime of Detroit’s Thanksgiving game next week and the announcement prompted an online petition to get the band banned from playing said game. I don’t Nickelback, I have no interest in seeing the band play in any sort of venue, but what do Lions fans think would happen if Nickelback were banned? Do they think The Smiths are going to reform to swoop into the much lauded Ford Field Football Done Stopped For A Bit Halftime Show? All sporting events are chock-a-block with the worst music imaginable. That’s just part of the shitball culture. If Nickelback were banned, Kid Rock would be helicoptered in to play All Summer Long while cheerleaders acted out scenes from Transformers 3. Just use that time to go to the washroom and hit the concession stand. Put on a special “Not Nickelback” playlist while you’re waiting in line and you’ll be free from overhearing that thing you hate. Just remember that they will be playing equally terrible songs throughout the entirety of the game anyway.
Week 11 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Bengals at Ravens. A crucial NFC North match-up that can have serious consequences to the loser’s playoff aspirations. Well, at least the cities of Cincinnati and Baltimore have a lot of positive and happy things to fall back on if their NFL franchise is a bust this year.
Week 11 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Seahawks at Rams. SeaRams. A thing that could be genetically engineered, but should it be? Send an essay in to Prairie Dog of your feelings on this issue and we can give you course credit.
Let’s Talk Ricky J: Why would you release a single advertising how rapist-y you are? On “No Means No”, Ricky J (not to be confused with Ricky Jay) tries to play the role of the misunderstood lothario copping to a never say die attitude. The result is just creepy, slimy and about as endearing as stealing bone marrow from a Care Bear at knifepoint. Watching the video fills me with bewilderment and could possibly be used as evidence that anyone that exists a Stitches location should be bear sprayed for five minutes straight. Yuck, Ricky J. Just yuck.
Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He has yet to see Oliver The Cashman in his travels.