The playoffs are on the horizon and we’re at the point of the season where I can post a picture of Lawrence Taylor sharing a ring with Bam Bam Bigelow. I’m not sure why now is the time I would like to include the picture, but here we are. Come join in the magic after the jump.
James Harrison Will Hurt Your Quarterback: After his fifth illegal hit in three seasons, Steelers linebacker James Harrison has been suspended for Pittsburgh’s Monday Night Football Football-Off against the 49ers. That’s not a particularly remarkable bit of news (Harrison’s been suspended before), but I like it when people say he’s been “banned”. It makes it sound like there are weird NFL trade sanctions against Harrison or that he’s covered his jersey in flesh eating disease to keep other players at bay. I think we should use the term “ban” more often. Like we can say criminals are “banned” from society or poison is “banned” by the digestive system. We could all feel like outlaws for a day. That said, I don’t think we should say Harrison has been “banned” from the game. We should just say he’s been given one game to think about not being a dick or giving dopey quarterbacks brain damage.
Lindsey Vonn Would Rather You Not Imagine Her Having Sex With Tim Tebow: The recently divorced skier Lindsey Vonn (who has the power of Olympic medals fueling her, she probably has Planeteer type powers) wrote a piece for the Denver Post explaining why she was in the Tebow family box. I insist all people in the luxury boxes explain their reasons for being there. Outline your reasons for not milling with us scum, luxury box havers! Have you ever looked at someone in a luxury box and not felt a weird blind disgust for them? Granted, I’d probably watch games in luxury boxes if it was offered and have sex with their complimentary mannequin made of cocaine, but seeing as I’m too broke for that to ever happen, so I can look down my nose at those stadium fatcats and their fancy luxury boxes. I’m happy eating Chef Boyardee out of the can and watching the game on TV. The dysentery I get from eating the sadness barf that masquerades as pasta is a way for my body to remind me that I’m a man of the people.
Keeping Abreast Of Current Events: I watched the Bud Bowl ads for the first time in my life. I like the idea that people were emotionally invested in a beer bottle wearing a neckerchief/beerbandanna. THEY ARE BOTTLES DOING HUMAN FOOTBALL MEN THINGS!!!!!!!!!! I’d love to see a Bud Bowl knockoff from Labatt where Wildcat tall boy cans get into a switchblade fight in the parking lot of a Stanley Cup Finals game.
Week 15 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Steelers at Niners. I’ve never had Rice-A-Roni before, is it any good? I don’t have a particularly exotic pallet, which makes me wary about trying the “San Francisco Treat”. I’m especially wary because I drank a soda called “Brio” on Sunday and it tasted like crib death.
Week 15 Game To Not Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Browns at Cardinals. Sometimes it’s fun to imagine that all the Arizona Cardinal players and cheerleaders have Cardinal status in the Catholic church. This may explain why we have such high hopes for Beanie Wells, but are skeptical of his ability to effectively contribute to his surroundings.
Royalty I’m Willing To Take Shit From
1. Intergalactic Baronesses
2. Puppy Dukes & Duchesses
3. Sultan Of Skittles
4. King Elizabeth II
5. A Pinball Machine With A Crown On It
Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He won’t be at Red Hot Riot with Jayden Pfeifer this week, but you can be. Sunday, December 18th, Philadelphia Spectrum The Artesian, $10. The show will feature Warren Bates, Rob Appleby, Mike Gill, Amy Matysio, Randi Osterhout, Tess Degenstein, Andy Fisher, Tatiana Maslany, the words of Lee Boyes and musical guest Belle Plaine. It’s sure to be better than anything that has ever happened before. Yes, even better than season three of Quantum Leap. See it!