Six In The Morning

CASTER SEMENYA, WON’T YOU COME OUT TO PLAY? It took eleven months and a pile of humiliating articles, but Caster Semenya is now free to compete (and presumably a woman?). Look for her on a podium near you.

DISNEY ENGLISH. It almost sounds like a weird bit of Cockney slang. But it’s actually the name of Disney Studio’s education arm. Disney English runs 11 English-language schools in China and plans to have 148 around the world within five years. The teachers are apparently called “cast members”? Anyway, one day Disney’s entire cartoon catalogue and educational curriculum will come in a handy vial full of nanomachines and RNA, and we’ll be able to absorb our entire edutainment needs through a saline drip.

WEREN’T WE TALKING ABOUT ABORTION JUST THE OTHER DAY? Studies show that parents aren’t happy. Parents think they’re happy, but when they sit down and realize that they’ve given over to their time and income and purpose to a tiny all-devouring ever-growing creature that will probably never appreciate the sacrifices being made in its name, never return a parent’s love in equal measure, until they grow up and repeat the same unbearable cycle – well, that’s just negative talk.

THE GULF OF MEXICO IS FULL OF ABANDONED OIL WELLS, BUT DON’T WORRY. The one benefit of the ongoing Deepwater Horizon disaster is that the slick of oil will cover up the TENS OF THOUSANDS of abandoned underwater oil wells that were capped decades ago and not inspected since. Are any leaking? Who would know? But don’t worry: oil companies say that a properly capped well will last ‘virtually forever’ (ie. let our grandkids worry about it). “‘It’s in everybody’s interest to do it right,’ said Bill Mintz, a spokesman for Apache Corp., which has at least 2,100 abandoned wells in the Gulf”. Oh. Okay then.

THE SEARCH FOR SAMANTHA MARTYN HAS EXPANDED. An amber alert was issued on Tuesday for four year old Regina resident Samantha Martyn. Police confirmed that she was spotted at a gas station south of Winnipeg with her father Christopher Martyn and her mother Natasha Sentes. It is thought that they may have been headed to North Dakota. The court recently issued a restraining order against Mr. Martyn. You may remember Christopher Martyn from 1992, when he hit and killed a man with a car over a debt of $1,000.

WHY DOES CHRISTIE BLATCHFORD HAVE A COLUMN AGAIN? After  complaining about the inadequacies of the “open courts” principle, Blatchford turns her fierce analytic eye on the G17 defendants, and discovers, “based on the glimpses gained on the video screen and hallway conversations,” that the defendants are largely white! And middle class! Well holy cow, I’ve never heard of young members of a country’s educated middle classes taking political action or engaging in civil disobedience before. Blatchford also claims that she “actually spoke” to one of the defendant’s parents, who had good things to say about the guards. You hear that? Blatchford “actually” spoke to someone. I’m glad tha Blatchford has the skill to present journalism at its most basic – you know, “actually” speaking to people – as a favour to us, all through a single adverb.

Author: Aidan Morgan

Aidan is a very serious man who's saving up for a nice dignified pipe. Then we'll see who's laughing.