Weekly Reckoning: Spectacular Fleeting Things Edition

weekly-reckoningEverybody! I was on my way home from Saskatoon this afternoon and I saw – I swear to God – a small bird landing on a hawk in flight, riding the hawk like a living conveyor belt for 15 or 20 feet, then flying off again. Why did it do that? The convenience of it all? The thrill? Was the sparrow or similar small bird feeling a little tired and looking for an extremely brief rest? Maybe the hawk had a stray seed or bug on its back? Or was it a Nietzschean demonstration of bird world power relations? Who cares? The clearest manifestation of Grace has been vouchsafed to me by chance, and it’s telling me that the lord of the cosmos is probably a bird of some sort. Probably a secretary bird or a piping plover or something.

1. HEY, WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE GAME WHILE I WAS WATCHING A BIRD RIDE ANOTHER BIRD IN MID-AIR? Oh you have got to be kidding me.

2. OBAMA’S RESERVES OF GIVE-A-SHIT HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED During a speech at the University of Nairobi, Obama made a birther joke. I’m enjoying Obama’s take on lame duck presidency.

3. A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE SPIELBERG FANS Behold the ultimate commentary for Raiders of the Lost Ark, chock-a-block with insight and trivia. Remember when you were 30 years younger and sitting in the theatre, wondering about production design decisions? Give yourself an extra kaddam and listen in. Then take back one kaddam for the Bird God.

4. CARS ARE COMPUTERS WITH WHEELS Fiat Chrysler has issued a recall for 1.4 million cars after a security vulnerability was discovered.

5. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF AND THE BIRD GOD TO READ THIS PIECE ON TA-NEHISI COATES It’s a long read and it’s a few weeks old already, which is five years in Internet terms. But are you doing anything with your life right now that would be as meaningful as the act of reading a piece on Coates, who is doing better and deeper thinking than any of us on issues of race and structural privilege? No, unless you’re fighting a fire in an orphanage right now, in which case the Bird God grants you license to get in there and save those kids.

 

Weekly Reckoning: Victory Lap Edition

weekly-reckoning1. WE WON. I say “we” won because I literally played in the Canadian Men’s Hockey team and scored at least one of the goals that ended in a 3-0 score in a game in which Canada just kept the puck the hell away from those nasty, greedy Swedes (video autoplay warning). Am I Jonathan Toews? Sidney Crosby? The other one? No, I’m the astral body of Guy Lafleur.

2. UPDATE YER IPHONES, FOLKS. A major security flaw has been identified in iOS devices that could allow “hackers” and “hacktivists” to read your “important emails,” because god knows the world is full of electronic sneaks who want to intercept your lunch plans with that vaguely racist guy from accounts receivable. Anyway, if you think you’re important enough, there’s an update available for your many devices.

3. WHAT’S WHATSAPP ANYWAY? By now everyone knows that Facebook bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. But what exactly is WhatsApp? And why does Robert Reich think that WhatsApp is everything that’s wrong with the US economy? I feel that it’s everything wrong with app naming, but maybe that’s just me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to develop WheresBeef, the newest app for locating your nearest butcher or cow.

4. FALL DOWN EVERY MOUNTAIN, DROWN IN EVERY STREAM. The last of the singing von Trapp family has died at 99.

5. TAKE THAT, PIERRE TRUDEAU. The Alberta Court of Appeal has ruled that its laws do not need to be printed and published in English and French. The ruling came down over a fight involving a decade-old parking ticket.

Weekly Reckoning

weekly-reckoning1. YOUR BOOM HAS BEEN DELAYED BY INCLEMENT WEATHER The provincial government is withdrawing $135 million from its “rainy day fund” to patch up a few leaky holes in its budget. The hole is called “potash revenues that we were so sure about because primary resource economies are so endlessly resilient.” At least we have a rainy day fund.

2. IN POST-SOVIET RUSSIA, CUSTOMS BLOCKS YOUR FREE DRUNK My favourite story from Sochi so far – even more than mass canicide or dangerous face water – is the Molson beer fridge that only opens for people with Canadian passports. It turns out, though, that the fabled fridge is largely empty. Russian customs is apparently holding up the delicious, delicious beer at the border.

3. BLACK MARKET STARBUCKS! More Sochi weirdness: squirreled away at NBC headquarters in Sochi is a secret Starbucks with 15 baristas (Starbucks is not an Olympics sponsor, so they’re forbidden from having any official presence at the games). I guess NBC didn’t get the news (zing) that Starbucks coffee is pretty lousy.

4. SO MUCH FOR 3D PORN It seems that 3D pornography is just not delivering on its “promise”. Much like strapping men who deliver pizzas to oversexed women in satin underwear, only to accept money and move on to the next address.

5. A FAREWELL TO STADIUMS. STADIA? Here’s a tale of what happens to aging stadiums. Stadia? Lots of photos! Much graffiti. So dead tech.

Aw NHL Naw: Misconductales (Ooh Ooh)

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This is a picture of David Boreanaz hanging out with the Stanley Cup while holding a human skull. The skull’s probably a reference to his work on Bones, but it could also be something he pulled from Sprague Cleghorn’s grave. The NHL seems like they’d be cool with that. “A CELEBRITY HAS A HOCKEY MAN SKULL? DOES THIS MEAN HE’D BE OPEN TO APPEARING IN A PICTURE WITH MARIAN HOSSA? MAYBE THEY COULD PRETEND TO BE A PAIR OF BRIDGESTONE TIRES!”

That’s the magic of the playoffs, right there.
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New, New, New Dog!

New Dog (may 16)The latest Prairie Dog is out, out OUT and it’s great and you should grab a copy at your nearest street box or convenience store or restaurant counter or friendly neighbourhood pub! People! There are at least four reasons you MUST do this! Here they are!

1.) Prairie Dog is a fan-fucking-tastic newspaper and there’s nothing else like it in the province!

2.) Smart, talented, funny, friendly and sexy people read Prairie Dog and since you are (OBVIOUSLY) all of those things, this is the paper for you!

3.) Prairie Dog is a magic potion of genius news reporting and opinionating and HAIL-arious stupid bullshit, plus cartoons! If you read it you’ll see things no one else can see; do things no one else will do! Come ON do I have to keep explaining this?

4.) I can’t remember what the fourth reason was so I asked Morash (publisher) and he said “it will make you taller or at least raise your standing among your peers.” YEAH.

WHAT EXACTLY IS IN THIS EDITION THAT HAS WHITWORTH JIBBER-JABBERING LIKE AN ADHD GERBIL ON A SUGAR HIGH, YOU ASK? Oh, lots of stuff. This Prairie Dog starts off with another amazing cover by Shuster Award winning cartoonist Dakota McFadzean! Flip on into the paper and there’s a hoarder’s attic of great stuff to read — NewsQuirks, a review of Little Saigon, Top 6 columns, a Q &A with a dead pet, a story on the organized labour-bashing Bill 85 (which was just passed in the Sask. legislature), a beautiful obituary for Regina’s indoor skatepark, about eight sentences on our gallant Fougemayor’s housing summit, interviews with the bands Cannibal Corpse and Chains Of Love,  an epic column by John Conway about Stephen Harper’s assholery, CD reviews, Sound Check and Hnetflix, a review of The Great Gatsby, Dan MacRae’s awesomely dumb-ass hockey column, Queen City Confidential, Typo Wiener and more, more, more, MORE!

Prairie Dog! Holy poop, you guys! It’s the most unique reading experience you’ll find in Regina!

Aw NHL Naw: Onward To Round 2

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The second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs are upon us. Here’s a handy guide to the next bit of ice hockey watchingdom.

(This week’s Aw NHL Naw also includes a secret message that I’m sending out to my freemason masters. Can you crack the code? Put some Dover’s Powder in your gin and give it your best shot!)

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Aw NHL Naw: Protect and Survive

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Have you been enjoying the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs and Pizza ‘n’ Pop Funtacular so far? If you’re like me, it can be a bit of a struggle to follow the playoffs when your team isn’t one of the sixteen in the running for Lord Stanley’s most famous (non-sexual) prize. As a public service, I’ve put together some tips on how to make the playoffs work for you even if you don’t have a horse in the race.

(Note: Most ice hockey teams should consider replacing their human rosters with horse rosters. Once horses sort out how ice works, they’ll be unstoppable. Those mammals just want it more, y’know?)

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